DNA test reveals family secret

DEAR AMY>> Information I received from my genetic testing revealed that my father had two other children while married to my mother within our supposedly “intact” family.

I am allowing the picture I have of my past, my childhood and my family to (painfully) reshape my personal history, as this knowledge integrates into my whole self.

This is also sticky: My dad has dementia, and my mother has many expectations for my support in terms of his care. (My mom is not 100% there, either.)

How do I care for my father and not resent him?

How do I explain to my mother my occasional inability to handle my father with compassion and equanimity?

— Who’s My Daddy?

DEAR WHO’S >> I’m assuming that you have been able to confirm that this DNA information is accurate and true. Commercially available DNA testing kits sometimes report biological cousins as halfsiblings — and vice versa. You should verify the information you have received.

However, regardless of your situation, when it comes to family relationships, there is no hedge against resentment.

You could have grown up in a wonderfully “intact” family that had no such complications, but you might now resent your obligation to provide care for your father for a host of other reasons.

I suggest that you should be more realistic about your feelings, and instead of trying not to feel them, you should learn how to cope with them.

You are currently experiencing the most challenging period of adulthood. You are being asked to confront and manage the chaos of this period without any possible resolution, and so you will have to provide your own.

If your worst assumptions about your father are true, could you manage to find reasons (and ways) to love him, anyway?

Some comfort can come through accepting a simple truism: It is what it is.

It is vital that you and your mother receive respite care and support while dealing with your father’s illness. You should try to develop a small network through local friends and family, members of your faith community, volunteers and paid caregivers.

The Alzheimer’s Association offers a telephone helpline, as well as a moderated online message board where caregivers ask for and also offer advice. Check alzconnected.org.

DEAR AMY>> I’m responding to “Horrible Friend,” who felt they may be enabling a friend’s addiction to painkillers by giving him some of their own.

Not only is Horrible Friend not a physician, but is undoubtedly breaking the law. Most prescribed pain medications are controlled substances, and Friend could be charged with delivery of a controlled substance. — Lawyer

DEAR LAWYER >> Thank you!