Surprise offspring upends marriage

DEAR AMY » MY good friend just found out that her husband has a grown child he’s never known about.

This person was born many years before my friend and her husband even knew each other. He was not in a relationship with the mother of this child.

My friend is shattered. She has always been proud of her long-term marriage and their great kids, who are all doing well.

Now she believes the reality of her “perfect” family has been shattered. She can’t seem to believe the man she thought she knew could have been so sexually casual.

I have stepchildren that I enjoy, and I’d like to convince her that this is not the end of the world.

I hope she can get back to enjoying her marriage and family.

I guess I’m looking for some insight as to why this is such a big deal for her and if there is anything I can do to help her.

— Worried Friend

DEAR WORRIED » I sincerely hope that any students returning to campus might read this letter and understand that today’s casual sex could result in a multitude of unintended consequences.

As much as any of us might understand that — in theory — previously unknown relatives might surface at any time, when it comes to family relationships, the understanding of theory and the acceptance of reality are two distinct and different experiences.

Of course your friend is thrown off! Anyone would be, but if she truly believes that this makes her own wonderful life a lie, that’s a deeper problem.

As one partner of a successful long-term marriage, she could be encouraged to see this as one more life challenge to encounter alongside her husband.

Surely they have tackled difficulties, losses, reversals, surprises and uncertainties together before this.

Don’t try to “convince” your friend of anything, but do remind her that this situation, which landed on her doorstep so suddenly, will actually unspool and evolve gradually.

She needs to come to an understanding on her own that, put into a larger perspective, this mainly reveals everyone’s humanity.

Are she and her husband working through this with the help of a counselor?

You should suggest it.

DEAR READERS » I recently ran a response from a reader named “Common Sense,” who stated that people who have had COVID-19 cannot become reinfected with the virus.

While I challenged this statement, saying “the jury is still out regarding how well — and how long — antibodies offer protection,” many readers strongly urged me to always point toward the science.

I completely agree! The CDC offers timely and frequently updated research and recommendations, which can outpace my publication schedule (CDC.gov).

I hope that one day, if I repeat it often enough, readers such as “Common Sense” will exercise some common sense and follow the science.