Caregiver deserves some respite

DEAR AMY >> I hesitate to admit this, but I’m tired of hanging out with my elderly parents.

I live an hour from them, while my two sisters live five states away.

Since the beginning of the pandemic, I’ve driven my parents to the family’s twoweek beach vacation (and stayed with them), flown with them to a wedding (and stayed with them), and celebrated their anniversary on a weeklong trip (and stayed with them).

There are also weekly dinners, shopping trips and birthday parties.

Now we’re staring down the barrel of Christmas and a spring wedding, and I’ll again be responsible for getting my parents there — and staying with them.

At 86, my mother is extremely anxious for months before an event. I understand, but it’s exhausting.

Since every event might be “the last,” I go along to get along, already mourning the times she won’t be present.

This Christmas, I’d like a break from the tradition of traveling to my sisters’ state. I would like to put my parents on a plane and head with my husband to an art show.

When I floated the idea, my husband said, “But you love to be with your sisters — there’s a light in you with them that you don’t get anywhere else.”

Maybe, but it also means I’d spend two weeks in a house with my parents.

Then again, it might be the last time we’re all together! Sigh. With your calm and clear perspective, can you help me navigate what feels like an enormous emotional minefield?

— Maxed Headroom

DEAR MAXED >> I’ve been there. And, while you might believe that your current frustration and grief will somehow help you to miss your folks a little less after their passing, it doesn’t seem to work that way.

All of these tasks, chores and trips are further bonding you to them.

And this, my exhausted friend, is the heartbreaking equation of caregiving: The more you give, the more you lose.

I suggest taking your folks to your sister’s house, but you and your husband should stay in a rental house or hotel. Let your sisters take the lead.

Hang out for a few days around the holiday to enjoy your family time and then — go away! You could then come back around to pick them up.

If doing this will lead you to torture yourself, then don’t do it, but this is what you must tell yourself: If you don’t take good care of yourself, you will NOT be able to take good care of your folks.