Secrets could divide sisters

DEAR AMY >> I am very close to my sister, “Cari,” who lives nearby.

I’m not married, I do not have children, and our parents are both deceased.

Cari’s daughter — my niece “Wendy”

— is dating “Steve.” Steve and Wendy have a 6-month-old baby. Cari doesn’t care for Steve at all.

Steve lives 90 minutes away and is living in an apartment where no one gets along.

Wendy asked me if Steve could stay with me and rent out my second bedroom, and I said yes.

Well, Wendy told her dad, who then told Cari, and Cari flipped out. She doesn’t want Steve moving nearby, and doesn’t want him around.

Wendy also told me that Steve bought her an engagement ring.

I’m afraid that if I don’t tell my sister, when she eventually finds out it will drive a wedge between us.

My sister Cari has always been my rock through some really tough times. She is all I have left.

Should I tell her about this engagement?

She is my only immediate family. I don’t keep secrets from her. What should I do? — Concerned Sister

The kind of support you are offering can be extremely positive for a young family in need, unless it enmeshes all of you in a complex family situation that none of you are prepared to handle.

You can be a hero to this young family, but not if you keep their secrets or shield them from navigating the relational consequences of their choices.

Your niece “Wendy” has firmly inserted you into her domestic drama. I infer that she is living with her parents, and until she lives independently, her folks should be included in her bigger life choices.

As it is, you have a nearstranger moving into your home. No doubt, Wendy and their baby will also be spending a lot of time there. This will involve you intimately.

You should let them know that if this housing arrangement moves forward, you will not keep any life-altering secrets from her parents.

DEAR SISTER >>

I think it’s likely that this refusal to keep secrets might prompt the couple to carefully consider how they’re handling this housing arrangement and other life choices, which would be a mark of their (hopefully) burgeoning maturity.

DEAR AMY >> As a pet groomer, kennel owner, breeder, competition dog sports participant, etc., I read with interest your response to “Sad Pet Mom,” who had recently lost her first dog.

Something I share with clients in this situation: The death, and then the grieving and recovery, is one of the biggest gifts we get from our pets. Because they don’t live as long as we do, we have an opportunity to rehearse processing such a huge and personal loss.

It gives us the experience and resilience to process the inevitable loss of family and friends. This is their final gift.

Thank you for offering this perspective.