Family caught in addiction cycle

DEAR AMY >> My sister “Lisa’s” husband “Bart” is an alcoholic. Although he’s been sober for long periods (on his own, without treatment), he’s had at least a dozen relapses in the past 15 years

— more frequently since the pandemic.

Lisa denies that Bart has ever become violent when under the influence, but he typically rants and rages, and sometimes vomits and soils himself. She cleans up the mess. She’s even bought him alcohol because he’s convinced her that if he suddenly stops, he may die.

When Bart is sober, he’s an affectionate and funny guy.

Lisa can’t bring herself to leave him; she will demand that he get into treatment, he may get sober in a treatment program for a few weeks/few months, and then the cycle repeats.

She’s the breadwinner. He works sporadically but obviously his drinking has impacted his employability.

She has occasionally come to sleep on my couch during his binges (I live nearby), but never for more than a few days.

Lisa has also been to therapy and Al-anon, but doesn’t stick with it either.

I’m fed up with giving her the same advice over and over: stop enabling him; stop believing him, move out until he has been sober and in treatment for months, and move out the minute he starts drinking again.

She agrees with me — and then she goes right back to tolerating his behavior.

I think I’m her only friend.

Am I enabling HER? What can I do the next time this happens?

— Frustrated Sister

DEAR FRUSTRATED >> Your sister is a vital component to her husband’s addiction. If she had really absorbed the lessons provided by her Al-anon program, she would only put a blanket over her husband when he passed out on the floor.

By cleaning him up when he falls, she is protecting him from the actual consequences of his addiction. By bringing alcohol home, she is contributing to his addiction.

If she wanted her life to be different, she would commit to her “friends and family” program, even if her husband didn’t commit to his sobriety.

Yes, by providing housing for her, you are to some extent also enabling her to stay in her addiction cycle.

You could also “put a blanket” over your sister by welcoming her into your house when she needs it, but not offer advice or counsel of any kind.

She knows what she needs to do, but she is not ready. Until she reaches her own low point, she will continue to accept your blanket and reject your advice.

Work on your own ability to accept a situation you are powerless to control.

These peer-led support programs are called “friends and family” groups for a reason. My point is that Al-anon is not only for your sister. Check Al-anon.org for a local or virtual meeting you can attend.