Family photos exclude in-law

DEAR AMY >> My husband “Dave” and I have been together for almost 10 years. Dave is one of four sons.

There have been a number of occasions in which I and other in-law relatives have been excluded from “family photos.”

We have now been married for four years and have a child together. I am still being left out.

This occurred at my own wedding, when to my horror I learned that my mother-in-law had requested a picture from our photographer of only her parents and siblings — without their spouses.

Other times, my mother-in-law will request a “family photo” to include only her, her husband, and their four sons.

I was raised in a family that embraced the ever-changing dynamic of families, where both blood and non-blood members were considered equally.

One of Dave's brothers is now married, another engaged, but his family still seems reluctant to welcome these changes.

I have expressed my hurt to Dave, and he has talked with his parents, however, the blood-only family photos have not stopped; his mother has just become more discreet about requesting them.

Am I being overly sensitive in thinking a family photo should include all members?

— Feeling Left Out

DEAR FEELING >> The way I read your question, you and other in-laws are not being left out of all family photos, but you resent the fact that you are not included in all family photos.

I see this differently. I think it is cool when parents and siblings get together to re-create some of their group photos from childhood. And I treasure the one photo I have of my mother and her sisters, taken later in life — just the four of them together (no spouses or children), as they had been in childhood.

It seems that your mother-in-law does this “family photo” thing a lot, and I assume that this symbolizes other ways in which you feel excluded.

I also think that there is sometimes a specific dynamic between mothers and their sons that can feel like an exclusive club, where daughters-inlaw are tacitly treated like interlopers.

The best way to counter this attitude is to continue to embody the inclusive values you were raised with, and to make sure your mother-in-law does not extend this exclusive attitude toward your child.

You and your husband are going to have to show his family how to let others in. The next time his mother makes a move, your husband should say with a smile, “Whoa, wait a minute. Not without my sweetheart.”