Argument should precede apology

DEAR AMY >> I need advice on the way forward in my marriage.

I have been married to a good woman for more than 20 years.

We are raising great kids, and we are both proud of them.

However, I feel unloved as a husband. We have no sex life. I only recall two times in which she kissed me.

I have asked her about couples therapy, but she is not interested.

Recently I stopped speaking to her when we were talking about some other couples who divorced, and she said that I always blame the wife.

I said that was BS and a gross exaggeration, and that I want an apology.

In two decades of marriage, I cannot recall a single apology from her.

I am now asking: What is the way forward?

I aspire to have a good relationship with her.

— Perplexed Husband

DEAR PERPLEXED >> You may deserve an apology — or many apologies — but you seem to have skipped many steps between hearing a gross generalization, disputing it and expecting an apology. If you are expecting an apology from someone you know doesn't ever offer them, then you are throwing down the gauntlet, when you might possibly be communicating — even if it is through an argument.

(Remember that great line from the movie “Jerry Maguire”: “You think we're fighting, and I think we're finally talking!”)

I'm not saying that you are at fault, but you want to have a good relationship with someone you portray as unwilling or incapable of having one with you.

Long relationships might start on a firm foundation, but without genuine apologies and forgiveness, they sputter and fail under the weight of too much unfinished business.

You may not be able to repair what is broken between you two.

The only thing you can do is to commit to changing yourself. Counseling would be a great place to start.

Once you experience a true shift in your own attitudes and behavior, you may see changes in her — or you may understand deep in your bones that your relationship is irreparable and that a peaceful parting (with a continued focus on your children's well-being) would be best for you.

DEAR AMY >> Thank you for your response to “Concerned Mom,” who was concerned about her daughter's weight.

I've been learning so much about fatphobia, the BMI and my own fatphobic ideas.

I know that this mom was not being mean, but focusing on her daughter's weight and bad food choices was upsetting.

Most obese people, I have learned, see the most judgment and shame from their own family, not strangers.

Your response was firm and kind. She is an adult, she knows what she looks like, her life is her own.