More than a quarter of us are living alone — and loving it
As long as we’re celebrating the month of love, this seems a good time to speak out on behalf of the 36 million singles out there who make up households of one and are perfectly happy, thank you very much.
Though we cohabitating and married types tend to want others to couple up, the fact is many singles don’t want to. “We are living our best, most authentic lives,” said Bella DePaulo, a Santa Barbara social scientist and author of “How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century” (Atria Books).
DePaulo also writes the “Living Singles” blog for Psychology Today, where a post titled “How Singles Find a Place That Feels Like Home” caught my attention. So I called her.
“Many single people are invested in creating places that feel like home to them, especially if they love being single and want to stay single,” she said.
Some 28% of all U.S. households comprise just one person, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. That number has more than doubled since 1960, when only 13% of households were single-person.
There’s no question living with others has many benefits, but living alone has its advantages, too. DePaulo and I batted some around: You can decorate the way you want to, and create an environment that reflects you — not your partner’s big vinyl chair or velvet Elvis Presley painting. You only have one person to pick up after. You have more space for yourself. Your things will always be right where you left them. You won’t have to fight over the thermostat or the remote. You can drink the milk straight from the container. We could go on.
There are various reasons behind the living-solo trend: Adults are marrying later or not at all, living longer, divorcing, finding better work opportunities or living apart together, a trend known as LAT, where committed adults who are in a relationship live apart for whatever reason, said DePaulo, who is 68, and has lived her entire adult life by herself “by absolute choice.”
And the stigma of living alone is thankfully waning.
Still, “single people face unique challenges in finding a place that feels like home,” she wrote in her post. One of them is finding a place in a real estate market that focuses on promoting single-family homes to nuclear families.
“The rise of people who want to live alone is one of the most significant demographic trends of recent decades, but most societies have not kept up,” she said. “Often, there are not enough residences for people who want a place of their own or not enough affordable ones.”
Once they find a place, the challenge becomes making it theirs. A home is defined by those who live there, and for singles, DePaulo said, “What makes a home feel like home is when you fill it with what you love: art, books, photography, pets (especially pets), plants, music you love, furnishings you’ve chosen with care. Then it becomes your sanctuary.”
With more than onefourth of all households being homes for one, and the trend not slowing, the rest of society needs to catch up. So, on behalf of the single at heart, DePaulo would like to bust the following myths:
MYTH » People who live alone must be lonely. Don’t confuse living alone with being lonely. “Loneliness is real, and it’s a problem, but it is not the result of living alone,” she said. Once adjusted for financial concerns, her research found that people who live alone are on average less lonely because they take the initiative to stay in touch with others.
MYTH » People who live alone wish they didn’t. Many would have a tough time giving up their solo space. “People who feel sorry for those who live alone have forgotten how enriching solitude is,” DePaulo said. If they have gotten out of a bad relationship, many feel lucky and relieved. She cautions others not to view singles through their married prisms.
MYTH » People who live alone are somehow incomplete. In fact, “single life can be a fulfilling, psychologically rich time of selfdiscovery,” said DePaulo. Stop with the stereotypes already: “This group is tired of the stigmatization and condescension. The word spinster is hardly the worst of it.”
MYTH » People who are single are looking for that special someone. Actually, studies show that many singles love their single lives and are not interested in finding a partner. Don’t try to fix them up or ask awkward questions about their love lives. “We’re fine,” DePaulo said. “We’re happy at home!”