Family secrets create a wedge

A couple of years ago, one of my brothers, who has had a checkered past, fathered a child that he hasn't acknowledged to our parents.

That same brother told me that our other brother is involved in drugs. He said that information had to stay between us.

I was informed about those secrets — I didn't seek them out — and they're just two of a number of secrets that my family has.

I tried broaching a talk with my brother regarding the child and was ghosted until he felt confident that I wouldn't say anything to our parents.

The other brother tends to gaslight me.

My parents said they didn't want to know anything that was going to cause tension in the family and I wonder if they think ignorance is bliss?

I don't live in the same area as my family, so that's helped me with keeping physical space. I've also learned the art of setting boundaries, re: being seen as a confession booth.

But my parents frequently praise both siblings when they visit or call me and it has started to grate on my nerves.

I also am just not comfortable at family gatherings lately as I feel like I'm acting or performing. Is there a way I can handle how grating this is?

What is the best way to respond when I'm asked to visit?

— Irritated by Secrets

DEAR IRRITATED >> If you don't want to visit your parents because the web of secrets you've been exposed to makes you an unwilling participant, then maybe you should call a temporary “time out” and not visit for a while.

If your folks ask why you don't want to attend a family gathering, you could truthfully tell them that you find the overall family dynamic of whistling past any personal challenges and issues exhausting, because you would like to be able to communicate about these things.

You should also convey directly to your brother in clear language that you will not be his secretkeeper because it puts you in the terrible position of lying by omission.

I'm not suggesting that you should turn around and blow the lid off his personal business, but if he ghosts you over this, then so be it.

DEAR AMY >> In a recent column, a stay-at-home dad said that people will refer to him as “Mr. Mom.”

He wonders if it is a put-down.

His wife has no respect for him as a provider and that's obvious because she is working, and he is 25 and staying home to take care of a child.

This is not the example that he should want his child to see of him and his family.

His role is to be a provider and a protector.

— Upset

DEAR UPSET >> This dad is providing and protecting, and he is doing that by raising his child and taking care of the home.