First pregnancy ups the ante

DEAR AMY >> I have been estranged from my mother for a little over a year. She was mentally and occasionally physically abusive to me while I was growing up. She herself was abused and neglected as a child.

I have tried to repair our relationship, but she crosses any boundaries I set and places me in difficult situations to prove my love and loyalty.

For example, she asked me to disinvite my brother, who had been estranged from her for years, from our wedding and then refused to attend a celebration with my in-laws in an attempt to embarrass me.

The relationship has been fraught for decades. She refuses contact when she's upset.

Now I'm pregnant with our first child. We are currently not speaking (which is a relief), but I'm torn whether to tell her about my pregnancy.

On the one hand, our baby will be her first grandchild. On the other, if I reach out to tell her, it will be impossible for me to set boundaries without another extremely stressful blowup at some unclear point in the horizon. My husband and I are unsure: What do I owe her? What is best for my new family?

— Torn

DEAR TORN >> Let's start with what you “owe,” and to whom.

You now owe everything to your child. Everything. You and your husband will make your share of mistakes, as all parents do, but you will give your child a different and better mother than the one you had.

You will break the legacy of abuse your mother inherited. She was a hurt child, and she hurt her children. That stops with you.

Important life events may trigger your mother to act out. I won't attempt to diagnose her, but you should assume that regardless of how you behave, she might not ever behave within bounds.

For instance, you tell her about your pregnancy, and she blames and shames you for not telling her earlier. She may then punish you by initiating an estrangement and blaming you for it. Expect this.

The difference now is that you will be more in control. The way to do this is to be prepared to always say a calm and swift “no” whenever her manipulation or behavior crosses the line. You say “no” and you (figuratively) show her the door.

I believe it is possible to have your mother somewhat in your life — if you want — but the relationship will only be stable if she is stable. Urge and encourage her to get professional help.

DEAR AMY >> Responding to the question from “Feeling Helpless,” why should this child's grandparents bear the financial responsibility for his mental health treatment? What are his parents doing?

I have multiple grandchildren and I love all of them, but I would not be able to pay for that kind of treatment.

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED >> I assumed that the grandparents were asked to pay for this residential treatment because the family was tapped out.