Father feels undermined

DEAR AMY » I am a husband and father of an 18-month-old daughter.

I'm concerned about how my mother-in-law treats my wife and daughter.

She calls my wife multiple times a day to FaceTime with her granddaughter. My wife answers as often as she can.

The problem I have is that my mother-in-law keeps saying things to our toddler like: “Don't worry — whenever grandma is talking to you, you don't have to listen to your mom.”

Or when my wife tells my daughter to stop doing something, her mother will say, “Grandma says it's OK.”

The last time I heard this I wanted to grab the phone and say: “Mom makes the rules, if you can't follow them, you can't see our daughter” and hang up on her.

My wife says that it isn't my place (I agree) but she hasn't set boundaries, yet.

My mother-inlaw is coming to visit in about a week and I've been stressing about it constantly. She is sleeping on our couch for three days, and I don't think I want to hold my tongue if she tries to say the same things when she is in our home.

I'm all for grandparents spoiling grandkids, but when my daughter is throwing food on our floor and grandma says, “It's OK, — make your parents clean it up,” I want to ground grandma.

Your suggestions?

— Nervous

DEAR NERVOUS » Keep your cool. The calmer and more consistent you are, the more effective your response will be.

If your mother-in-law directly countermands you, and if you are certain she isn't just being playful, you can say, “Oops. I'm going to have to stop you.

We are her parents and we need to make the rules for her, even if you don't agree with them. Can you help us out here and not contradict us?”

She may say, “Oh, I'm only joking, don't take this so seriously.” And you can respond, “I get it, but we're trying to be consistent, and her sense of humor isn't quite developed yet.”

DEAR AMY » Not a question, but a comment: Why are some of the issues raised in your column so trivial? It seems like people really work hard to get worked up about things.

— Tired

DEAR TIRED » I find that generally, if someone isn't interested in a particular cultural issue, they will find that topic trivial.

My take is that our world is wide enough to accommodate issues of all sizes.