Family vacation minus one?

DEAR AMY >> My husband, kids and I live in a different state than most of my family.

We are planning a trip to my family's state and would like to invite my parents and grandmothers to rent a cabin for a few nights. I don't see my grandmothers often as they are not well enough to travel too far.

I want to be able to enjoy a wonderful and relaxing trip with them as I am worried about the amount of time I have left to spend with them.

I want to create happy memories with them, my parents and children together. My grandmothers get along great and often spend time together. They are both widowed, but one of them remarried about a year ago. This man is rude and pretentious and makes everyone uncomfortable.

We all keep our feelings to ourselves and are respectful when we have been around him, but my parents and my other grandmother are not a fan of this man.

I worry spending a whole weekend with him would be too much for everyone.

His presence would likely turn this relaxing time with my family into a weekend revolving around his lectures, narcissistic antics and drama.

Is it selfish of me to only want to spend this precious time with those that bring happiness? Would it be wrong of me to only invite my grandmother and not her condescending new spouse?

How might I extend this exclusive invite? Or is there a polite and discreet way to ask he not make this trip a disagreeable one?

— Happy Memories Only

DEAR HAPPY >> Your grandmother chose to marry, and when she did, the man she married entered your family. For better and — it seems — for worse, he is there.

It is not selfish of you to want “only happiness,” but no family can be guaranteed only happy experiences or happy memories.

I suggest that you issue this invitation to everyone, and then do your best to manage this disruptive new family member during your weekend together.

If you establish a baseline willingness to stand up to him (“Excuse me, `Steve,' but I'd love to hear what my grandmother thinks”), you might have a better time.

DEAR AMY >> “Concerned Sister” was trying to prompt her aging sister to make plans for her future. Thank you for highlighting the need for families to discuss end-of-life issues with one another.

My mother descended into the ravages of dementia before we had ever discussed these things. In the years I spent caring for her, I often wished I knew what her wishes were. It would have made everything so much easier.

— With Regrets

DEAR REGRETS >> The situation you describe is what journalist Ellen Goodman was struggling with through her own mother's illness and death, inspiring her to start The Conversation Project (theconversationproject.org), which provides helpful prompts to get families talking.