Co-worker's baby photo gallery put her over the edge
Q I work in a small office and share a desk with a man whose wife just had a baby. He has the desk two days a week, and I have the desk another two. When I come to work, I am confronted with an array of giant pictures of a baby-acne-mottled monstrosity sitting on my desk. I remove the pictures so I don't have to look at them. I don't place the pictures back on the desk at the end of the day because I don't think it's my responsibility.
At the Christmas party this year, the father of the infant jokingly said, “So it seems you aren't a fan of my baby?” I replied, “Well, I just feel weird staring at a random baby while I'm trying to work.” He launched into an unprompted description of his family's “IVF journey.” He seemed intent on shaming me for putting baby in a drawer — never mind that it's not my baby and, frankly, overpopulation stresses me out.
A part of me can't let things lie. I confessed that the real reason I can't stand to look at his baby is that I recently learned I am infertile. By the time I had finished telling my lie, a bit of an audience had formed — so I essentially told my entire office a sob story that isn't true, like a sociopath would. Now, everyone is being way too nice to me, and an older co-worker who genuinely does have fertility issues has been trying to bond over our supposed shared struggle. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and horrified every time I am at work. I feel like I need to switch jobs at this point. What should I do?
— Anonymous
A I hardly know where to begin. Not wanting to look at pictures of your colleague's baby is not a crime. But you certainly took your aversion to a ridiculous extreme. A better choice might have been to simply put the pictures back up when you leave work. Your desk is a shared space; you have to tolerate evidence of the existence of others. This is all kind of petty and mean but also a little relatable. No judgment!
I don't know how you get yourself out of the hole you've dug for yourself. This is mighty awkward. Switching jobs might be the easiest option, but that's pretty drastic. I would simply tell your colleagues you don't want to discuss your fertility if and when they bring it up. I generally recommend erring on the side of honesty, but you will be quite unpopular with some or many of your colleagues if you admit you lied about being infertile because you didn't want to look at pictures of someone else's baby. Good luck lying in this very strange bed you've made.
Too much empathy?
Q I'm in leadership at a small company. We foster a good work-life balance and are known to treat our employees well. A new team member has been doing a good job, and I can see them flourishing here. We recently promoted them and they seem really pleased.
I was recently scrolling TikTok and a post of theirs appeared in my feed (I don't follow them, thanks algorithm!). They referenced a recent diagnosis of autism, how they were struggling to function on a Sunday, that they feel like they're letting people down at work and at home, and how they don't know how long they can continue to function within capitalism.
I didn't know about their diagnosis or these struggles. This person didn't intentionally share this with me, and I respect that boundary. But I can't unknow it, and it feels disingenuous to pretend I don't. I've done a good job acknowledging their contributions at work, but should I make more of an effort to bolster their confidence, or leave it alone? Additionally, how do I know if this is indicative of a culture issue at work versus a mental health issue that is not my problem to solve?
— Anonymous, Wisconsin
A I appreciate your sensitivity here. You clearly care about this employee's well-being and want to be supportive. Even though you can't unknow what you saw on TikTok, this is not your problem to solve. I don't get the sense that their challenges are indicative of a culture issue at your company, specifically. They are challenges of having to function, as they said in their TikTok, within capitalism. You should continue to be empathetic and supportive of your team member while respecting their privacy.
Social media has blurred certain lines. How can something public also be private? Clearly, given that you stumbled on their video, it can't, but you can continue respecting their privacy, nonetheless. Most of us have struggles we don't share with our employers that are not a reflection on our employers. Trust that this is in that category. And do stay open to being supportive and accommodating of their neurodivergence if and when they call on you. Keep fostering a positive, empathetic professional environment. You're doing great.