Smelling trouble over co-worker's strong perfume

Q I work in a small office at a startup. Some of my colleagues used to be in extremely senior positions at major companies. I'm in my late 20s and have done well enough in my career, but I'm still very junior to some of these hotshots.

One, who sits close to my desk, wears a suffocating amount of perfume. I'm autistic, and I'm sure that compounds the problem as I'm quite sensitive to strong smells, but I've never had this problem before (normal amounts of perfume don't set me off). I find it hard to focus on work, and it raises my heart rate when I feel like I can't escape this physical sensation of strong perfume.

I'm not very good at navigating sensitive situations, but I would really like to say something. Do I approach my (normally very understanding) boss about it, or would that be interpreted as me going behind perfume-colleague's back?

— Anonymous A Spending time around people who wear too much perfume or cologne can be absolutely unbearable. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. You're not necessarily going behind your colleague's back to bring this up to your boss. It is your boss's job, in part, to help the team resolve conflicts. But if you think this colleague is approachable, first try to have a conversation with them.

Being junior does not negate your right to a safe workplace. It doesn't mean you have to suffer in silence. It can be a delicate matter to tell someone there's an issue with their appearance or hygiene, but how this affects you is also a delicate matter. Try the tactful approach. Take your colleague aside and share that the quantity of their perfume is triggering chemical sensitivities beyond your control.

If you find taking that approach untenable, you should absolutely speak to your boss. Regardless, there is nothing unreasonable about your request.

Spouse invited

Q I work at a small community mental health center, and we recently started having an overnight clinician-only retreat. The first one was really popular, and we have since hired a new clinical director.

Our second retreat is approaching, and the clinical director's wife will be attending. I don't know her well and she does not work in the behavioral health field, but I have nothing against her. I expressed to the event organizer and clinical manager that I feel uncomfortable with nonstaff people attending our retreat, as it means we cannot openly discuss clients due to HIPAA — and it also changes the vibe to have one person's spouse in attendance. The event organizer simply thanked me for the feedback but said the spouse was leading an activity and would stay for dinner and then leave.

Am I missing something here? Please let me know if I'm in the wrong for thinking this way.

— Anonymous

A

The spouse in question is attending the retreat for a stated professional reason. She will be leading an activity, and then she will leave after dinner. It doesn't seem that she will be attending any events where clients are being discussed. She happens to be someone's spouse, but she is attending, as you note, in a professional capacity.

Perhaps you should think of her in that professional capacity, instead of considering her only through her marital status.