Grandchild feels guilty for not calling grandma
DEAR HARRIETTE >>
I'm feeling torn and guilty about something that happened recently. My grandma turned
80 and while I knew it was a significant milestone,
I didn't call her to wish her a happy birthday. The truth is, my grandma and I aren't particularly close, and to complicate matters, she struggles with mental health issues that make it challenging to have a conversation with her.
Growing up, I never had a strong bond with my grandma because she lives on the African continent. Our interactions always have felt strained and her mental health issues only add another layer of difficulty. Whenever I try to talk to her, it's like walking on eggshells and I often find myself at a loss for what to say.
On her 80th birthday, I debated whether or not to call her. In the end, I chose not to, but now I can't shake off this feeling of guilt. I know how much birthdays mean to people, especially since this was a milestone birthday, and she will probably not be around for that much longer. Is there a way to bridge the gap between us or should I accept that our relationship may always be distant? — Missed Birthday
DEAR MISSED BIRTHDAY >> I'm sorry you withheld your greeting on your grandmother's birthday, but it's not too late to make a gesture. You can still call her and ask her how her big day was. With genuine cheer in your voice, you can invite her to recount whatever she did on her birthday. She will probably appreciate that. If she asks why you don't call on the actual day, just apologize and say you are happy to have reached her now.
Beyond that, to get the guilty feelings to ease up, you need to practice acceptance. Your grandmother is who she is, with all of her frailties and challenges. You cannot change her, nor should you try. Instead, choose to honor her for her role in your life. You have a distant relationship in terms of both proximity and intimacy. That's OK. Accept that. Finally, be kinder to her. Send her cards. Use a free calling service to connect with her periodically. Tell her about your life and who you are becoming. She will appreciate your outreach and it can be a step in getting to know each other better.
DEAR HARRIETTE >> I am eagerly anticipating the visit of my favorite cousin, who is set to stay with me for a week. However, I am slightly apprehensive as he has recently gone through a breakup with his boyfriend and tends to be quite dramatic. While I love him dearly, I am not the best at offering advice or handling emotional situations. I find myself unsure about how to support him during this challenging time and worry that I may not be able to provide the comfort and guidance he needs.
— Favorite Cousin
DEAR FAVORITE COUSIN >> Be a good listener. Don't feel like you have to solve anything for him. You are not a psychologist, so you aren't expected to have answers. You can have compassion and love for him, plus a big dose of patience when he spirals a bit as he tells his story. After he leaves, treat yourself to some quiet time — you will likely need it!