Stuck in abusive marriage

DEARANNIE» I’ve been in an abusive marriage for nearly 15 years, and I can’t take another day. My husband has never hit me. It’s all mental and emotional abuse. He calls me horrible names in front of our children. He has constant tantrums where he screams, throws things, breaks things and threatens me, saying if I leave, he’ll kill me, destroy my life and take our children away. I have no access to money, and he has driven all of my friends away.

I have nowhere to go. There are no shelters in my rural area, and I’m scared of what he may do when I leave. However, I’m determined. I’ve written him a very long letter explaining why and promising that I don’t want any money from him, so he doesn’t have to worry about that. And I plan to give him this letter in the next few days. I want to hand it to him. I don’t want to be sneaky and leave the letter and walk out the door. But I’m afraid.

I don’t have anyone to discuss these things with. My mother said she didn’t want to hear it and it wasmy problem. Please help me.

— Too Scared To Leave DEAR TOO SCARED» Please do not do anything rash. Before you leave, you need to have your next step planned and ready, whether it is finding a shelter, staying with friends or relatives, or leaving town. It would be unwise to hand your abusive husband a letter and walk out the door. We know you want to do the honorable thing, but your safety ismore important right now. We urge you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) at 1-800799-SAFE. Someone there will guide you through the process. DEARANNIE» My husband and I are retired and live in upstate New York with our son and his family. Our son broke his back and neck in a freak accident. He has fully recovered, but now is addicted to pain medication. He has no job and no insurance.

Is there any way to get him the help he needs to be a functioning adult again? He would give anything to be better, but can’t afford the treatment.

— Desperately Concerned Mom DEARMOM» This must be a terribly difficult situation for everyone, but the fact that your son wants to get better is encouraging. Please look into state-funded drug and alcohol rehab centers through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at findtreatment.samhsa.gov, or call their treatment referral line at 1-800-662-HELP. We’ll be thinking of you.