Mother is at wit’s end over defiant and troubled son

Dear Annie: I love my children, and I love being a mother, but my youngest seems to want to make that as hard as possible for me. My son is a senior in high school, and I fear he is going down the wrong path. He has always struggled in school, but I’ve always gotten him tutors; he’s always gotten in more trouble than his sisters, but he always seems to know how to make it up to me. However, this all has gotten worse as he’s gotten older. He ditches class, and no matter how many times he has to go to detention as a result, he continues to do so. I have caught him with drugs and alcohol, but no matter how angry I get, he continues to use. He has gotten three different jobs in the past year, and he just stopped going in to work each time. I have to hide my purse because I’ve caught him snooping through my wallet.

He’s defiant, and it’s gotten to the point that when I ground him or tell him to go to school or tell him to clean up after himself, he just looks me in the eye and says no. I’ve tried yelling. I’ve tried tough love. And, Annie, now I am just exhausted. I’ve taken him to a counselor to see whether there is a deeper issue, but we can’t seem to find anything. Is this just a growing boy? His sisters have given up on him; my husband says that seeing as he’s 18, we could throw him out, but I just cannot do that. What do I do? Miserable Momma Dear Miserable Momma: Tough love can be tough to give our children, but sometimes it’s the only option. After all, protecting them from the consequences of their actions isn’t really a kindness; it just prevents them from learning from mistakes in the long run. Your husband’s correct. Your son is an adult, and you’re within your rights to tell him to move out of the house. If you don’t want to do that just yet, consider doing so after the school year is over. He needs to find his rock bottom before he realizes which way is up.

I know this won’t be easy for you, so I encourage you to find the support you need to stay strong. One good place to find it is in a room full of people who understand exactly what you’re going through: at a meeting of Families Anonymous or AlAnon (for friends and family of people with alcoholism specifically). Visit these organizations’ websites to find a meeting near you.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.