Former addict unresponsive

Dear Annie: I’m writing about my 53-year-old stepson, “Sam.” I helped to raise Sam starting when he was 11. His first mom was murdered with a handgun a year before. He was already difficult as a younger child and already into drugs. My husband and I made mistakes, mostly on the side of enabling. We’ve gotten some helpful counseling and learned a lot from Al-Anon.

Sam did a little therapy years ago and used to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, but he doesn’t anymore.

Sam is smart and kind and sensitive and tends to set himself up to be exploited and codependent, perhaps as a way of buying friends. A few years ago, he lost his house because he didn’t pay his mortgage. His dad and I had bailed him out a couple of times, through loans that never got paid back.

We don’t give him guilt trips about the money or mention it or even care, really. It’s cheaper than college would have been. But I’m sure he feels a lot of guilt.

Sam now lives in a sleazy efficiency apartment about 10 minutes from us. At least it gives him some kind of community. He is holding down a job, and things seem stable financially. But he has stopped returning his father’s texts asking him to get together for breakfast, and there’s been no acknowledgment of the birthday check we mailed him last week. A couple of weeks ago, I got my son-inlaw to call him and say, “Hey, phone your folks!” He did, and we had the usual upbeat chat. We made a breakfast date. But he ended up flaking on that.

My husband’s heart is quietly breaking. We aren’t demanding a lot of Sam’s time, and we know it’s his life to live as best he can. But total non-communication has meant bad things in the past. I don’t want to have to go visit him in prison again.

My role these days is basically nagging his dad to text him one more time. I don’t know whether either of us is willing to devote more time to Al-Anon or counseling. Our lives are getting shorter every day, and we’ve already poured a lot of emotional energy into the sinkhole. Should we keep trying? Sad Stepmom

Dear Sad Stepmom: If it were that easy for you to detach from your stepson, you already would have. For most friends and family members of people with addiction, it’s difficult to set boundaries without outside support. I encourage you to give Al-Anon another shot. I think you’ll find that it actually helps retrieve some of your emotional energy from the sinkhole.

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