A legal form of domestic abuse

There is a form of domestic violence that is entirely legal. Condoned. Sometimes egged on by ignorant and short-sighted family members and friends.

You know victims but you’ve likely not thought about them in this light; you probably haven’t tried on what it must feel like: where one parent, the victim in this scenario, no longer gets to see his/her children daily. Where the victim doesn’t get to wake up Christmas morning with his/her children or attend temple together at Yom Kippur. The victim did nothing for this to now be his/her reality. What was worked for and committed to by them in good faith, in whatever religious or otherwise vows, is now a battle and sheer reversal of it all.

In my 30s, when I was first witness to this scenario, I scratched my head, “how can this be possible?” I felt compassion and it felt like a real wrongdoing to those friends and colleagues to whom I saw it happening. But I didn’t feel it. It didn’t rattle me. I did not have children at the time. Now I do. And now, sadly, I know many victims of this type of domestic violence. There are many in our town alone. I thank God it is not my own personal struggle.

The legal form of domestic violence to which I refer is “no-fault” divorce in the cases where the defendant-victim is the family breadwinner. Sometimes the father, sometimes the mother.

No-fault divorce is a divorce in which the dissolution of a marriage does not require a showing of wrongdoing by either party. Laws providing for no-fault divorce allow a family court to grant a divorce in response to a petition by either party of the marriage without requiring the petitioner to provide evidence that the defendant has committed a breach of the marital contract (Wikipedia).

These are divorce cases where one party brings the action, who needs no cause, the other parent, the victim I refer to in these scenarios, doesn’t want the divorce; doesn’t want to live separately from his /her kids. But the unreasonable plaintiff who typically mixes up greed and irrationality as his/her newfound life purpose, prioritizes him/herself over their children’s best interests and suddenly their soon-to-be former wife or husband is a terrible person: is now their enemy. This plaintiff-spouse drags the defendant-spouse into and through court for what is often a two-year process with incessant frivolous filings, constant full days in court, and indescribable goings-on that can make even the most grounded, centered and otherwise content person feel anxiety-ridden or just plain stressedout and drained.

The illogical injustice where the family breadwinner party is the defendant of such a divorce proceeding is punished: for being the financial support to his/her family.

The risk of losing one’s job having to be in court so frequently is real. This defendant then has to job-search while embroiled in the court process he or she never elected to be in, nor did anything wrong to be forced into. He or she is no longer permitted to reside at home. The breadwinner typically is the one who sees less of the children (because of work demands) and is seen by the court as a big walking money sign: there to provide child support and alimony once a case reaches final judgment. He/she must provide alimony in gross sums so as to “keep the lifestyle their non-earning ex is accustomed to.” Even though it was this non-earning ex who actioned the divorce. For no cause.

Stephen Baskerville, a political scientist at Howard University, argues that no-fault divorce rewards wrongdoers, reduces the need of marital binding agreement contracts at the public’s expense, and helps women take custody of their children at the husbands’ expense in many cases where the man has done nothing wrong. (Wikipedia).

Kids college and savings funds get auto-“transferred” into the pockets of divorce lawyers, courtappointed psychologists and Guardian ad Litems. And guess who pays all of the attorney and “specialist’ fees? The defendant-victim, in this scenario, the family breadwinner. So, the victim in this particular scenario, pays in every way: financially and worse. What is not violent and traumatic: when the defendant-parent is forced out of his/her family home and worst of all: will then only see his/her kids 50 percent of the time, maybe. Neither parent therefore has the pleasure of putting children to bed at night, to seeing and squeezing them first thing in the morning. Who is a good or goodenough person, most importantly a loving parent; a parent who did not want this schism, but is left holding most all of the responsibility cards without 50 percent of the pleasures and fulfillments.

Connecticut is a no-fault divorce state, and all other 49 states also have some form of no-fault divorce. It is a growing portion of a multi-billion dollar industry.

There are many good reasons for states having brought this measure. It has done a lot of good. But for a growing number of men and women, no-fault divorce provides for a legal, condoned form of domestic violence. A legalized forum in which one spouse can cause irreparable damage on the other; in many cases financial, but the very worst aspect is being robbed of time with one’s children. This injustice and outright tragedy affects thousands in my town alone.

These people are victims of domestic violence, as are their children.

The legal form of domestic violence to which I refer is “no-fault” divorce in the cases where the defendant-victim is the family breadwinner. Sometimes the father, sometimes the mother.