Grieving alone: Quarantine keeps widow from family, friends

STAMFORD — Stefanie Spadaccini cannot have a proper funeral for her husband.

Since his death she cannot allow their sons, Anthony, 24, and Paul, 22, into their home.

Family members and friends cannot visit, and she cannot visit them.

Spadaccini is quarantined, waiting for results of a test that will tell whether she has contracted COVID-19, the virus that Wednesday took the life of her husband, Anthony, a former city representative and Stamford’s first fatality attributed to the coronavirus pandemic.

The isolation adds cruelty to the already vicious virus, Spadaccini said.

“I know it sounds strange, but the lack of appropriate mourning is almost as bad as the death,” she said. “I have to stay apart from everyone so I don’t put them at risk.”

A friend drove her sons to Stamford from Washington, D.C., where Anthony, a recent college graduate, lives along with Paul, a senior at Catholic University.

When they arrived, their mother couldn’t go near them.

“We had to social-distance outside,” Spadaccini said. “I put them in a hotel.”

Family members and friends want to do something, but she cannot allow it.

“I tell them, ‘Guys, you have to stay away,’ ” Spadaccini said. “It’s a bizarre way to grieve.”

It’s a bizarre and novel virus.

People who contract COVID-19 can have a range of symptoms, and their experiences can be quite different. Most have a fever and other symptoms, but many have none. Most get better on their own, but 15 percent develop severe illness and are hospitalized. About 5 percent end up in the intensive-care unit.

That happened to Anthony Spadaccini.

Her husband had a cold with no unusual symptoms, Spadaccini said. When it persisted, he went to the doctor.

“The doctor did an Xray,” she said. “When the doctor saw it, he said, ‘I’ll meet you in the emergency room.’ ”

Stamford Hospital doctors inserted a tube into her husband’s airway to give him oxygen. For four or five days, he made incremental progress, until Tuesday night.

“They called and said, ‘He’s really struggling. We’re not sure where it’s coming from,’ ” Spadaccini said.

At 5:30 a.m. Wednesday the hospital called again.

“They said, ‘It’s not good. You should come,’ ” she said. “When I got there, I had to suit up and they let me go in.’”

Anthony, a longtime volunteer in youth sports and a hard-working, wellliked former member of the Board of Representatives, died soon after that. He was 54.

His onetime board colleagues are sorrowful.

“Tony was a good, good guy. A true gentleman. I simply cannot believe he is Stamford’s first victim of this virus,” said Rep. Anzelmo Graziosi, a District 13 Democrat.

In the board’s legislative chamber at city hall, Anthony Spadaccini sat next to

Graziosi and another former city representative, Steven Kolenberg, who resigned last year to attend graduate school in England.

“I’m shell-shocked and heartbroken at the news,” Kolenberg said in a text. “Tony dedicated his life to the service of Stamford.”

When he helped run youth sports leagues, Spadaccini “put the people and families of Stamford first,” Kolenberg said. On the board, Spadaccini was “a smart, dedicated member who asked tough questions and always looked for the truth.”

Frank Fedeli, who heads the city’s cashiering department, was one of Spadaccini’s District 14 constituents.

“Tony really looked out for the people of the district. He was a great public servant,” Fedeli said. “On the board, he was levelheaded and pragmatic, and nonpartisan. He voted in the best interests of Stamford residents. He was also a terrific coach in all kinds of sports — tough but softhearted with the kids. I know because he coached my son.”

Mayor David Martin issued a statement

Thursday offering his condolences to Spadaccini’s family and all those affected by his death.

“Tony was a person who made Stamford better,” the mayor said.

Spadaccini made the Board of Representatives funnier, Graziosi said.

“When the meeting was about to get started, Tony would say, ‘OK, what’s the over-under?’ ” Graziosi said. “It meant how many minutes before or after 11 p.m. I thought the meeting would go. He was a pleasure to work with. We had great times sitting next to each other. He loved being on the board.”

Spadaccini was appointed to the board in August 2018 to take a seat that opened after longtime District 14 Rep. Gabe DeLuca died at 87. To retain his seat, Spadaccini, a Republican, had to run in a special election in November. He lost to the Democratic candidate.

After his final board meeting four months ago, Spadaccini spoke about the difficulty of winning a race as a Republican in Stamford, which is heavily Democratic. Spadaccini said he “absolutely loved” his 15 months as a city representative.

He was asked whether he would run again, given the opportunity.

“In a heartbeat,” he said. Rep. Eric Morson, a District 13 Democrat, said he hopes his friend’s death pushes people to stay home and practice strict social distancing to stem the spread of the coronavirus.

“It took a friend of ours who lives around the corner,” Morson said. “This thing is moving like wildfire. Does it take a loss like this for people to wake up?”

Her husband had no apparent underlying health issues, Stefanie Spadaccini said. She has no COVID-19 symptoms and expects her test to be negative, but she won’t take chances.

“Following the socialdistancing guidelines, no more than 10 people can be at the funeral,” she said. “We can have a graveside service but, again, only 10 people.”

It makes everything harder, she said.

“It’s such a strange way to grieve.”

acarella@stamford advocate.com; 203-964-2296.