The Middletown Press (Middletown, CT)

Compulsive religious behavior is causing conflict

-

Dear Annie: I am concerned about several of my six siblings. We were brought up very strictly, and we experience­d shame if we missed church or sinned. We’re all adults with kids of our own now. Over the years, several siblings and their spouses have become obsessivel­y religious. It’s their drug. No amount is enough.

They practice Catholicis­m compulsive­ly, and religious conversati­on is infused into daily conversati­on. For them, it’s about practicing religious rules and expectatio­ns, more than the spiritual meanings behind the behaviors. They often cannot answer why they do their rituals but know they must. They ask strangers if they went to church that day and what affiliatio­n they are. They embrace only people of their faith. They avoid anyone else Many of their children (my nieces and nephews) do not participat­e. Because my siblings feel that they have failed as parents, and they are in a constant state of fear their children will go to Hell. They have become dysfunctio­nal. They’ve lost their personalit­ies to this disorder. What causes this? Are they filling a void with religion? Is it low self-esteem and fear? What can others do when too much of a good thing turns obsessive-compulsive by all clinical and profession­al definition­s, but they see it as “growing in one’s faith”?

Outside the Bubble

Dear Outside the Bubble: Indeed, virtually anything can become toxic in large enough doses. It sounds as though your siblings may suffer from scrupulosi­ty — which the Internatio­nal OCD Foundation defines as a “subtype of OCD in which the person’s obsessions have a religious or moral theme” — or another kind of OCD. You can express your concern. They’ll likely write you off. But saying your piece might bring you some measure of peace.

Beyond that, I strongly encourage you to find a support group such as those organized by NAMI (https:// www.nami.org/find-support) or Families Anonymous (https://www.familiesan­onymous.org). You can find more informatio­n about OCD and relevant resources at https:// iocdf.org. While you cannot change their behavior, you can find a way to maintain serenity even in the face of their dysfunctio­n.

Dear Annie: You gave excellent advice to “Desperate Stepdad.” As a 76-year-old alcoholic with 39 years of sobriety, I’ve been around the block a few times regarding this type of situation. The one thing you should have mentioned to him is that until his wife realizes she is an enabler and takes action, the situation with his stepson will never change.

AA in NY

Dear AA: I appreciate your sharing the hard-won wisdom. The following reader had some additional tips for “Desperate Stepdad.”

Dear Annie: “Desperate Stepdad” could get some immediate relief in considerin­g these facts:

1) His stepson is in no way capable of a job or self-help now. Let that go.

2) His wife likely feels so guilty and so distressed as to lose all logic. She needs love, not anger, nagging or threats. 3) If his wife won’t go to NarAnon, Stepdad still should. They could arrange an interventi­on for his wife. Once she sees love and support, and learns what to do, she will likely “join the team” and act effectivel­y to both help her son and restore her marriage.

Old Social Worker

Dear Social Worker: I appreciate the expert insights.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators. com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonist­s, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United States