In-laws seem to be closing in on family
Dear Amy: My in-laws live six hours away. I like it that way. They keep talking about moving to our town, but this would be at the cost of our relationship. They’re lovely people in small doses, but we lived near them for a year when I had my first child, and it was awful. They often don’t respect boundaries and make everything about themselves. My father-in-law can be especially obnoxious. He fights with me when he’s drinking (which is every night). My husband agrees with me about his folks, but it usually falls on my shoulders to stand up to them. We’re happy where we are — that’s why we moved!
They feel like their oldest daughter and sonin-law (who live near them now) don’t have time for them anymore. I don’t either. I would prefer to see them on our planned short trips two or three times a year. I want to tell them to stay where they are, but I don’t know how to do that.
— Happy at a Distance
Dear Happy: Your in-laws seem to be fishing for encouragement, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to bite every hook that dangles. If they explicitly ask you what you think of the idea of them moving to your town, ask them a series of questions before you respond: Why do you want to move? What are you hoping for? What factors are influencing your thinking? Just feel them out.
After listening to them, you should respond by being honest: “We enjoy our visits with you, but I in particular struggled when we lived close by because I felt you didn’t respect our boundaries, and I often felt crowded. Living at a distance has been better for our relationship, certainly from my perspective. I don’t know if moving here will achieve your goals.”
If your father-in-law is a belligerent alcoholic, your mother-in-law might need more attention than you realize. Your husband and his sister should take a fresh look at their situation to discern if they are OK. The impact of his drinking will change over time, and you should all assume the situation at their home might be deteriorating, which may be why they are looking for a change. An elder housing community might be a good fit.
Dear Amy: I recently received a “Display Bridal Shower” invitation. It states to bring your gift, unwrapped and unboxed, to the shower. It will be on “display” so that there’s more time to eat, drink and celebrate the bride-to-be. The mother (my sister-in-law) included a “To/From” tag that is to be affixed onto the gift.
Doesn’t this seem ostentatious? This mother and daughter have a history of being moneymongers, attention-seekers, braggarts and “trendy” to a fault. I am uncomfortable with it. So are some other relatives. Isn’t the idea of a bridal shower to watch the bride open each gift, see the reaction on her face, thank the giver and hear the oohs and aahs from the guests?
I’m not THAT old to where I’m not open to something different, but this seems over the top, and classless/tacky. What is your take on this? My husband says to wrap the gift anyway.
— Traditional
Dear Traditional: I recently went to a shower like this, and there were almost 100 guests. It would have been wasteful, outlandish and exhausting to witness that amount of unwrapping. Even the most enthusiastic guest runs out of “aahs.”
I’m not sure about delivering a gift “unboxed,” however. This might make it impossible for the bride to exchange a gift if she receives multiples.
Regardless of how “tacky” you might think this is, it is classless (to use your word) to gossip about this and criticize it with other family members. Either climb on board and participate or send your (wrapped) gift, along with your regrets.
Dear Amy: I liked your answer to “Not Quite Nourished” until you advised them to bring a meat dish to their vegetarian relative’s house if they wanted to eat meat. I’m a lifelong vegetarian and would never want meat served at my table.
— Veggie for Life
Dear Veggie: Many vegetarians responded similarly. “Not Quite Nourished” described all of the family’s young children as “omnivores,” and so I assumed (perhaps incorrectly) that meat was sometimes served in these homes.
Copyright 2018 by Amy Dickinson