Is this man a worthy rival to her phone?

Dear Amy: I am a 57-year-old man dating a 49-year-old woman. We’ve been together for over a year. She is beautiful, smart, sexy and tons of fun. However, she never puts her phone down.

No matter what we are doing, she is texting and answering texts from her teenage children. This goes on no matter how serious or inconsequential the issue. She will sit in a dark movie theater and text her son about where his shoes are, or answer questions that could definitely wait until she isn’t busy.

Her reply is that she has three kids and has to be available to them always, no matter what. She literally has rolled over in bed, grabbed her phone and answered questions about family birthdays, etc.

To make it even more complicated, she plays online games and thinks nothing of whipping out her phone in a nice restaurant as I sit there so humiliated while waitresses look at me with pity.

She says I am old-fashioned and that this is normal behavior. Is it?

— Old-fashioned Guy

Dear Old-fashioned: Let’s grant your gal her obsession with her teenage kids’ shoes. If she is an involved mom and not at home because she is with you, then I’d say yes, she should get a pass to communicate with them, even though she seems to do so to a ridiculous degree. (But no texting in the movie theater, Mom!)

Now, why is she playing Candy Crush at the dinner table? Do you confront her about her rudeness? And if not, why not?

You are a fellow adult. You have feelings. You don’t like being ignored, discounted and then told that your feelings are less important than her online gaming or that you are “old-fashioned” because you don’t like being ignored. Frankly, she doesn’t seem that into you. If she were, she would be paying more attention to you when she was physically with you.

Enjoy this relationship for what it is, while it lasts. I hope ultimately you will choose to be with someone who makes you feel wanted, important and worth it.

Dear Amy: This seems petty, and it’s a little embarrassing, but every afternoon I go to my public library to pick out books, do a little work and just in general enjoy the atmosphere. This library is lovely and historic. I’ve been visiting it my entire life.

Lately there is a group of children who come to the library after school (and sometimes on weekends). They seem like nice enough kids, but they are given access to a (monitored) computer, and they play a game that has verbal prompts and various noises. Amy, it is like nails on a blackboard. I literally cannot stand it.

I don’t want to discourage these kids from coming to the library, but is there anything I can do?

— Library Lover

Dear Lover: All of our libraries are changing as they transition from being silent places where the books stood sentry to being places that are more like community centers. I applaud these changes, even though I know it’s a tough adjustment (I’m writing this column in my own local library).

A library is the perfect place for kids to gather, and I hope you will keep this in mind as you cope with the annoyance.

Ask your librarian if there are designated quiet times or quiet spaces where silence will rule. Bring along some headphones to wear. With noise-canceling headphones, you will only hear the sound of your own breath. This might be a game-changer for you.

Dear Amy: I was very moved by the letter from “Hurt and Sad,” who was upset when friends didn’t extend condolences after her father’s death.

I want you to know that this particular line really got to me: “Showing up as a witness to someone else’s loss is a vital expression of our own humanity.”

I’ve cut it out and put it in my wallet. Thank you.

— Grateful

Dear Grateful: I wrote that line, and yet even I need to remember that doing the hard work of “witnessing” is profound and important.

No one ever knows what to say or do after a loss. And so starting with “I don’t really know what to say” is both honest and acceptable.

Dear Amy: Our father died last year. The youngest of four siblings became the estate’s executor.

On the day of the interment, “Bart,” our older brother, asked how soon he would receive his share of the estate.

I was shocked. I explained the process, which takes time.

Bart made the same inquiry over several months. We suggested he hire a lawyer to explain the process if he did not believe what we were doing/saying, which unfortunately delayed things further.

Although we all received a partial distribution, Bart told our younger sibling that we would no longer have access to our teenage niece and nephew until Bart had received all of his money.

We are almost at the end of the process. Unfortunately, during that time, Bart became terminally ill. Given the timing, his spouse may be the person receiving his inheritance.

The executor and estate lawyer have done everything possible to accommodate his expectations. Meanwhile we have had no contact with our niece or nephew. We have sent cards and gifts, and heard nothing.

Our hope is that someday, maybe even at “Bart’s” funeral, we will reunite with our niece and nephew. If this happens, how should we respond if they ask why we’ve been distant?

— Perplexed Siblings

Dear Perplexed: I’m going to offer you some honest feedback about the situation you describe.

Your brother is terminally ill. Although he disclosed this more recently, it’s possible that he either suspected or knew about his illness when your father died. This would naturally have created some very complicated emotions, confusion and perhaps time pressure on his part.

It is also possible that his illness has disrupted, distorted or amplified his emotions and reactions. It would be generous of you and your other siblings to offer your brother every possible benefit of the doubt. I think you would all feel better if you did.

Yes, keep in touch with his children. After your brother’s death, let them know that, “For a bunch of complicated reasons, your dad didn’t want us to see you, and we have missed you very much.”

Dear Amy: Responding to the question from “Unmerry Christmas,” the grandparents who basically “crashed” the other in-laws’ Christmas brunch, we have learned that we need to be very flexible over the holidays. If parents and grandparents can just let go of jealousies and enjoy the time they have, these times can hold special memories.

My husband and I decided long ago, as our children started to marry and start their own families, that we would always try to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.

— Happy Together

Dear Happy: ... And I assume your children are grateful. Well done.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson