In-laws try to bond with this son’s family

Dear Amy: My wife and I are struggling with how to handle our relationship with our new daughter-in-law.

No matter what, it seems impossible to draw her into the fold of our family and to shower her with love and affection.

She is moody and often cold and indifferent. She and my son live a couple of hours away in a major city, and both of them have big jobs that keep them busy.

Unfortunately, we are forced to compete for their time with her parents, who live much closer to them. This really hurts us because we now have a 1-year-old grandchild.

Even though we have sought to alternate holidays, she and her mother always have some excuse as to why they can’t come to our home. We have to wait until the day after. We are not asked to offer child care advice.

We are constantly angry and hurt over her passive-aggression. She was wonderful with us before they got married, but all that seems to be in the past.

We have a close relationship with our only son, who tries to make everyone happy. His high-paying job is demanding and stressful. We worry about confronting this, adding to his stress, and possibly losing them both.

— Desperate in the Burbs

Dear Desperate: I’m going to offer a different perspective. Your daughter-in-law is relatively new to your life.

She has a new baby, a demanding job, a husband with a demanding job and parents nearby. She is dealing with a lot. And she has in-laws who are “constantly angry and hurt.”

You are casting yourselves as demanding and disappointed. She may sense your anger and turn away because she doesn’t know how to please you.

Try being kindly and cooperative in-laws and grandparents. Rather than insist that they visit you, maybe travel to their home once or twice a month for the day. Offer five or six hours of free time on a weekend for the parents to do errands or go out together. Or hang with the family for an afternoon and get to know them.

Think of this as a process that will happen in stages. Try to relax as it does.

Dear Amy: We have just survived another holiday season with our little nightmare of a nephew, “Boo.” He and his folks live in another part of the country and we all travel to spend a week at our ancestral home over the holidays.

Boo is 6. His parents are wonderful people. Boo’s dad travels extensively for work and his mom has decided to home-school him. I’m not sure what this consists of, because although he is very bright and spirited, Boo doesn’t know how to play with other kids, can’t share, take turns, sit still for meals or do a puzzle.

My wife and I (and other family members) are all pretty seasoned parents. We love this kid but dread seeing him. We do see some marginal improvement between visits but struggle when he is running roughshod over others. Any suggestions?

— Uncle

Dear Uncle: The way you describe “Boo’s” behavior, his challenges are all related to behaving in a “pro-social” way. Kindergarten would definitely help. But his parents are taking the tougher path.

When you see him, invite him on a kid-friendly outing (hopefully without his folks). Pick an activity that does NOT include bright lights, loud music, or too much adjacent action. Take him on a short hike or go sledding or to a child-friendly gym.

Correct him if he is aggressive, redirect him, and show calm and consistent adult behavior. Make a point of relating: “Boo did really well at first, but then he pushed his cousin. Our kids went through this stage ... do you want some suggestions?” Even during brief visits, you could influence “Boo” and his folks.

Dear Amy: I was surprised by your response to “Rap-attacked Dad.” He was horrified by his teen son’s choice in music. Honestly, I expected another narrow, knee-jerk response. But in this case, you stood up for the teen. I loved your answer. Color me shocked.

— Pleasantly Surprised

Dear Surprised: Thank you. My mother’s longago embrace of Jethro Tull inspired me to understand that cultural literacy is enhanced when generations listen together — and talk about what they are hearing.

Dear Amy: A dear friend of mine just got married. I am concerned that she does not know her new husband, “Bard’s,” background.

He has a bad criminal past. He has been in prison for B&E’s, drug sales and possession, felony firearm possession, and more.

My husband looked him up and found out all of this. He verified that it was Bard.

I am having a hard time knowing all of this and trying to be happy for my friend.

I am concerned about how things will turn out for her. I don’t want to see her get hurt. We have been friends for a long time.

Should I tell her about this, or should I keep this to myself and see how things turn out for her?

In this day and age, I can’t believe she didn’t look him up!

— Concerned

Dear Concerned: For argument’s sake, I’m going to assume that all of the information your husband claims to have is correct (it might not be).

As her friend, do you have the right to hold onto information about her husband and not share it with her?

It is of course possible that your friend already knows everything about “Bard’s” past. If so, she wouldn’t be the first person to choose to ignore past crimes and misdemeanors. The course of true love does occasionally run through the jailhouse.

You don’t say what prompted your husband to snoop around about this man, but I suggest that you be completely honest: “This is tough to tell you, but my husband decided to do some sleuthing. He’s learned some things that he thinks you should know about Bard’s past...”

This will affect your friendship, but if you believe her safety is on the line, you should take that risk.

Dear Amy: “Finding My Way” described her struggle to find affordable childcare so she could work. Her friends banded together to provide a safety net for her and her children. This took me back. When I was a newly single mom, my friends stepped up in so many ways. I am teary with gratitude.

— Grateful

Dear Grateful: Informal networks of women (family and friends) are the solution to so many childcare challenges. I too, am teary with gratitude.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson Distributed by Tribune Content Agency