Sudden loss brings up awkward questions

DearAmy: I have a dear friend who lives across the country from me. She recently lost a very close friend to a very sudden unexpected death.

All loss is horrible, and especially difficult during this pandemic, but I’m concerned that her grief is far over the top if they were indeed just “friends.”

He was married, and she often spoke of his wife, but I’ve long thought he and she were more than friends.

I’m not judging. I just want to help her. Since he died, she has been dropping hints that they were not just friends. Apparently, they were together every day, she cooked dinner for him every night, he took her out to eat at expensive restaurants, took her to concerts and movies, and they traveled together.

She is miserable and very depressed, and I’m worried about her. I’m wondering if I should ask about their relationship, so she has someone to talk to.

I think you mourn for a lover differently than you mourn a friend, and all I want to do is support her. I’m starting to wonder if she’s waiting for me to ask. I honestly do not care if he was married. Should I ask her to divulge?

— Concerned

DearConcerned: Because you sense that your friend wants to express more than she is saying, you should frame your query in a way that opens the door, but doesn’t push her to walk through it until she is ready.

You could try saying, “I’m worried about you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I want you to know that you can talk about this loss with me as much as you want, without fear that I will judge you or ever violate your privacy.”

Being in regular touch will be helpful, even if she doesn’t respond. Texting or emailing her regularly – without always prompting her to discuss her loss – will remind her of your supportive presence.

DearAmy: We have close friends who live in another state. We have remained friends, despite geography.

Every year during the holidays season, “Carol” sends us a homemade fruit cake. We have always looked forward to this gift.

Over the past several months both Carol and her husband have recovered from COVID; Carol still has not recovered her sense of taste and smell.

We have been sheltering in place for nine months now, only venturing out for doctor appointments.

We understand that the virus is supposedly not transported on food, but we don’t want to take a chance of any kind. How do we tell Carol not to send us the fruit cake without hurting her feelings?

— The Worrywarts

DearWorrywarts: You should contact “Carol” immediately and tell her that because she has been so sick for so long …

“We’re not going to hold you to your fruitcake delivery this year. We just want to make sure you don’t go to that trouble, and that you take good care of yourself during your recovery. Your good health would be the best gift to us.”

If Carol is anything like my friend Michael (who sends fruitcake to me every year), unless she had decided to cancel her gift, her Christmas batch was started several weeks ago and is now being brushed in brandy in preparation for shipping.

If you receive the cake, thank your friend. What you do with the cake after receiving it is your business.

I hope you are planning to send these friends something very special this year. It sounds as if they have been through a lot.

DearAmy: For me, your recent question from “Desperate” really resonated. Desperate was losing sleep about her elderly parents’ irresponsible behavior during the pandemic. She described them going out, meeting with friends, and not being careful enough about their own health and safety.

I have felt freaked out for the last eight months, worrying that my parents are behaving the same way. I can’t prove it, but I don’t think they are being careful enough.

— Worried

DearWorried: The concerns frequently expressed by people about their elderly parents during the pandemic really do echo the worries and frustrations parents experience with their teenagers. It is a delicate balance: Making sure that people have the knowledge and tools to exercise good judgment, trusting them, and then hoping for the best.