Troubled mother-in-law’s friends have no right calling to inquire
Dear Miss Manners: My mother-in-law is a very outgoing person. She is also an addict. She makes friends quickly. Her friendships are generally short-lived because of her addiction, but while they last, they are intense. Her friends tend to see her as a victim; they are very protective of her and anxious to set things right.
We do care about her, but we also know that enabling her addictions would be the worst possible thing for her, and for us.
We help her with necessities in an emergency, and we give her generous gifts (within our household budget — we are far from wealthy) for holidays and special occasions, but we also do a whole lot of saying “no” to outrageous demands. She blames me for this, though I tend to be more generous than her son is, since he carries a good amount more resentment toward her.
Have I always gotten it just right? Probably not. Have I done my best to see things from all sides, forgive some hurts and do what is right? Absolutely.
She complains about me to her friends, and I am bombarded with calls from relative strangers who accuse me of heartlessness and heap on the guilt.
I have no interest in joining in the name-calling and accusations. There is no point in offering up facts to each infatuated new enabler. How does one politely, but with absolute firmness, tell the outraged and self-righteous to mind their own business?
Gentle reader: By coldly informing them that they have their facts wrong, explaining that you now have to go — and quietly hanging up. Timing is critical, as you do not want to leave the impression that you are slamming the phone down, but neither should you agree to share the actual details with someone who has no right to inquire.
Dear Miss Manners: I know Miss Manners does not approve of checks as gifts, but if one receives a check — say, for Christmas — when should it be deposited? Is it OK to deposit it prior to the estimated arrival of a thank-you note, or should one wait a few days? I don’t want to appear greedy, but by depositing the check immediately (I have a mobile banking app), the giver can confirm that their gift arrived.
Gentle reader: Write the thank-you letter first. Otherwise, you will be tempted to put it off. But there may be another reason to delay depositing the check. There is no absolute etiquette requirement that one wait for the actual birthday to open a present. But the patience demonstrated by waiting for the event that motivated the gift is charming.
Miss Manners recommends the same treatment in your case: You can cash the check on Christmas Day. That it will be a bank holiday is irrelevant.
Dear Miss Manners: A babysitter we used when our children were small, whom we still occasionally see socially, likes to tell people how horrible my children were when she babysat. She never said a word to me at the time.
My children are now in their late 30s. She has brought this up to me in social situations, and not only is it embarrassing, but I don’t believe it is true. I think she says this to get a laugh at my family’s expense. What would be an appropriate response when she launches into comments about my kids? I can only think of rude comebacks, which won’t help the situation.
Gentle reader: “Oh, dear, they only ever spoke highly of you. If I had known how awful the children were to you at the time, I would never have continued to subject you to them.”
Dear Miss Manners:
What do you think about entertainers, celebrities and “common folks” on stage and TV, especially on game shows, applauding themselves? I’ve always thought this was selfaggrandizement, but it seems to be increasingly commonplace.
Gentle reader: Yes, self-aggrandizement is rampant, and not just on social media. Miss Manners knows that it is commonplace to declare that it is important to love oneself. But that does not make public displays of that affection palatable to others.
Dear Miss Manners: Are cowboy boots appropriate for a barn wedding? Attire is “cocktail dress,” and I’m wearing a below-the-knee dress.
Gentle reader: Go right ahead. What would be out of place in a barn, for reasons Miss Manners does not care to mention, would be satin heels.