Daughter does not want to discuss estranged mother

Dear Miss Manners: My mother has a substance abuse disorder and a severe untreated mental illness. Several years ago, I cut ties with her due to the chaos and hurt she brought to my life. This was a painful decision, and not one I made lightly, but I stand by it and have learned to live with it.

Growing up, I was very close with her sister, my aunt. She has always been extremely loving and supportive to me. However, every time we meet lately, my aunt insists on bringing up my mother’s latest whereabouts and scandalous doings (as gleaned from social media, which I am not on), as a point of ridicule or gossip in an otherwise pleasant conversation.

Life is short, and I don’t want to alienate my beloved aunt. I am looking for a polite but firm way to shut down these painful discussions without spoiling a rare visit with my aunt or coming across as rude.

Gentle reader: Etiquette prefers an indirect approach when it avoids giving offense, or when it is more likely to succeed than brute force. In consequence, people who are indifferent to harm accuse those with good manners of being insufficiently honest.

Your case shows the injustice of such accusations. Tell your aunt that your break with your mother, though necessary, is still a painful topic, and that you would rather discuss almost anything else. Given your history, there is no reason to think she will not comply.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I were housesitting for friends in a town that was a short drive from his sister, “Lacey,” and brother-in-law, “Tuck.” We invited them to come over for dinner one evening, which they did. I didn’t know them well, although I had heard that Tuck was volatile and argumentative.

After dinner, everyone wanted to play pool, and my husband said we could clean up the kitchen after we played. During the game, Tuck started calling Lacey an idiot, then it grew worse as he swore at her and used obscenities. Lacey yelled and argued back, and I got the impression that this was just how they related to each other.

I couldn’t take it anymore, so I said I was going to clean up the kitchen and I left the game. I didn’t say anything about them, just that I was going to take care of the dishes.

My husband came into the kitchen a few minutes later and told me that Lacey and Tuck said it was rude of me to leave the game. He thought I should go back. I refused because their behavior was upsetting, and I would rather wash dishes by myself than endure that atmosphere.

Was I rude to leave?

How should I have handled this?

Gentle reader: Just because that is the way that this couple normally relates does not mean that others should have to witness it.

Miss Manners wholeheartedly defends your behavior. If Tuck and Lacey wanted to confront you themselves (as that seems to be their proclivity), you could have said, “It seemed as if this was a personal matter and I wanted to give you two some privacy.”

That your husband felt no such compulsion — and viewed this behavior as normal — is more worrisome.

Dear Miss Manners: I have noticed that many establishments, from coffee shops to boutiques, are using systems that automatically ask for a tip when you are checking out — and “helpfully” give you choices of 15%, 20% and up.

To me, tipping has always made sense for instances such as haircuts and restaurants, where the person has spent a considerable amount of time with me. For someone who took a doughnut out of a case and put it in a bag to receive a tip seems excessive. And I say this as someone who has worked in retail — at a fast-food place, a home decor shop and most recently an art gallery — never expecting a tip for basically ringing up a sale.

I know I can hit “no tip,” but then I worry the person will think I’m obnoxious and I’ll feel embarrassed. What is your opinion of these systems?

Gentle reader: That even though Miss Manners may occasionally be intimidated by all the new electronic devices in her life, she does not accept etiquette advice from them.