Slacker-turned-academic feels he no longer fits in back home

Growing up, I was as bad a student as could be. I messed around so much, it felt like my entire childhood, I was being chased by school officials or my parents. I was lucky that both my parents were educators who exposed me to the world, but I did not graduate from high school and never read a book until adulthood.

This all flipped when I was around 20, and I wound up earning five degrees. (The first one was really tough and painful to get!) I really enjoy the new interests I’ve been exposed to and the things I’ve learned. Most of the time, my very educated friends feel so enriching to be around.

But sometimes when I go back home, old friends or acquaintances who are not as educated will call me weird for the way I talk about or see the world. It feels a little like an insult — like I am weird for knowing there are 2 trillion galaxies. It’s just odd to be chastised for knowing something.

There is something beautiful about knowledge, and it just seems so normal to me. I am sure down deep inside, they feel inadequate at times, but it feels odd for me to address this. I honestly do not know what to say when it happens.

Gentle reader: Remember when you got that first degree and it was really tough? Miss Manners encourages you to ask yourself why.

Did everyone around you seem smarter? Were some even sanctimonious about your ignorance on certain subjects?

No doubt, you never called them weird, and therein lies the difference. But if you can be patient with your less-educated friends, the way your parents and educators were with you, it might similarly inspire them.

If all else fails and your enthusiasm is still not catching, you may innocently say, “Oh. I thought it was cool, not weird. But I guess that’s subjective.” And then resist defining “subjective.”

Dear Miss Manners:

Iam on dialysis three days a week for kidney failure. I have what’s called an AV fistula in my upper left arm, which is my access site for dialysis.

Because I have been on dialysis for 11 years, my access site has two large bumps from repeated needle sticks, in addition to a scar from the crook of my arm to just below my shoulder. When I wear short-sleeve shirts (which is year-round, since I live in the desert), I often get stares, which is fine; people can look at whatever they would like. However, I do get comments along the lines of, “What happened to your arm?” or worse, “What’s wrong with your arm?”

When I’m feeling instructive, sometimes I will patiently explain about dialysis, then wait for the “sorry I asked” look. When I’m not feeling instructive, I usually look at my right arm, which is perfectly average, and ask what they mean. Sometimes that deflects the question, sometimes not.

Is there a better way to handle these types of questions while maintaining some degree of good humor? I don’t want to be rude and say it’s none of their business.

Gentle reader: The polite way to say “none of your business” is, “Thank you, but you needn’t concern yourself.”

Dear Miss Manners: I have a small fiber arts business, and am a generally crafty person. I embroider, sew, crochet and knit, and also do a variety of other crafts. I like to wear, display and talk about what I make, as I’m proud of it. However, this is often met with a response along the lines of, “I could never do that.”

I know it’s rude to reply with “Not with that attitude” or “You could if you practiced,” but I’m wondering what a polite response would be.

While it is often meant as a compliment, I feel that the “I could never” response implies that my abilities are innate rather than a skill set developed over years of work, so it makes me defensive and more likely to respond snarkily. Is there a way to graciously accept this as a compliment while also reminding people that I am good at what I do because I’ve worked hard at it?

Gentle reader:

“Well, at one point, I couldn’t either.”

Dear Miss Manners: Do you give hostess gifts for a baby shower?

Gentle reader:

Not unless the hostess is showering herself. Or hosting a shower for herself. Either one would be rude.