His charity deficit irks a do-gooder
Q: I’m a 30-something woman questioning the long-term viability of my relationship. I work for a nonprofit in a community with a high level of volunteerism. My boyfriend is a therapist, so I think he wants to help others. He’s kind and thoughtful to me and his friends. However, he does no volunteer work or charitable giving. He’ll sometimes offer a lower rate for people who can’t afford therapy, but he’ll qualify it by saying he needs to get people talking about him to generate more business. I’m put off that his ego and career advancement are motivating his only signs of charity.
— Disturbed Altruist
As you see it, he’s got a charity deficit on his human report card, and you’d like to fix that.
You value charitableness, but seem to have an uncharitable view of your boyfriend. You see him as stingy, cash-grubbing, egocentric because his job is a for-profit, and money and getting noticed are important to him.
The reality is, therapist burnout is a serious concern, because it’s emotionally draining to be a big ear for other people’s anguish all day. Meanwhile, sure, you work at a nonprofit, but — guessing here — you probably spend your days cradling a phone receiver, not dying orphans.
It’s also important to rethink the notion that those who do volunteer work are giving selflessly, getting nothing in return. If you’re sacrificing for somebody related to you, it benefits your genetic line — possibly helping at least some of the genes you share totter off into the next generation. If the person you’re helping is unrelated, you’ll likely get reputational props from others who see your generosity. Research by psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky and colleagues finds that there seems to be considerable feel-good in doing good. Participants in her research who did five acts of kindness in a day experienced a big bump in their own happiness.
It’s reasonable to want a good, kind, generous partner — but maybe you already have one. Is the actual problem that you have a rigid idea of what generosity looks like? Be open to understanding where your boyfriend’s coming from, which starts with asking him about his values (and sharing yours) instead of guessing and convicting him.
A: www.advicegoddess.com