How to understand recovery is an issue
Q: I’m a recovering addict, five years sober. My ex-boyfriend was a “normie” (12-step slang for someone who hasn’t had addiction issues), and there were definitely things he just didn’t get. Do I need to date another recovering addict to feel understood? I’ve done that before, and I really don’t like it. It’s like living in a recovery bubble 24/7.
A: — Sober
A person who doesn’t have a history of addiction can understand the need to take the edge off. They’ll even admit to doing it themselves, with a cup of chamomile tea.
Though “normies” tend to view addicts as lazy, an addict’s shame sometimes comes out of typically impressive qualities, like creativity and industriousness being applied to getting loaded. Author and former comedian Amy
Dresner in her addiction memoir, “My Fair Junkie,” she writes about suffering a seizure while shooting cocaine. She could’ve cracked her head open, but she had an epiphany — no, not to stop shooting coke but to strap on a bike helmet first.
As shocking as this would be to most normie men, there are those who could still be a good partner to someone in recovery, if they’re willing to put some work into empathizing. However, it turns out there are different kinds of empathy. In short, “I feel ya” empathy is different from “I understand you” empathy. “I feel ya” is dumb empathy, the kind that just pops up automatically, without any mental effort on our part.
“I understand you” empathy, on the other hand, is “cognitive empathy,” a psychological skill that psychologists also call “perspective-taking.” It involves a conscious mental effort to put yourself in another person’s shoes, to understand their point of view, motivations, and/or emotions.
Research by business school professor Cynthia Wang and her colleagues finds that an ability for perspective-taking correlates with reduced prejudice and stronger social bonds.
Finally, because you’ve done serious soulsearching and character correction in getting and staying sober, a man who’s a good match for you is probably one who’s taken some hard looks at himself and worked to remodel where necessary.
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