Groundhug Day

I’ve been with my wife for 23 years. I know sex is important, but sometimes we’re tired or not in the mood. I want to keep our intimacy alive. What are some things we can do to stay connected physically? — Embarrassed Having To Ask

Many couples do eventually need help from a professional to connect physically — whether it’s an advice columnist, a sex therapist, or a bank robber who leaves them ducttaped together in the vault.

It turns out the answer isn’t all that complicated: Basically, you just need to bring in some of the G-rated part of foreplay and afterplay (without the sex in between). Psychologist Debby Herbenick and her colleagues note that researchers have found three things — kissing, cuddling, and massage — to be “important aspects of sexual intimacy … associated with relationship and sexual satisfaction.”

Helpfully, the Herbenick team chiseled apart what they call the “KCM composite” — the way kissing, cuddling, and massage get mushed together in studies. They felt that this blending might obscure “important differences” in the effect of each. In fact, they found that cuddling seems to be uniquely powerful, increasing emotional intimacy (as well as sexual pleasure) in a way kissing and massage do not.

Though you’re seeking a solution for when you’re too zonked for sex, it’s important to make sure that cuddling is often an end in itself. This, paradoxically, should help keep your sex life alive: Your wife will see your cuddles as an expression of your love rather than a sign that you just want something out of the sexual vending machine. Ultimately, cuddling for cuddling’s sake is probably the best way to keep from getting to the point where “taking care of her in bed” involves holding a mirror under her nose to see if she’s still breathing.