Grooms­man car­ries torch for bride

The Morning Call - - GO GUIDE CALENDAR -

I’m in love with my best friend’s fi­ancee, and I’m set to be a grooms­man at their wed­ding.

I met the bride in col­lege. We worked to­gether. Af­ter months of of­fice flirt­ing, we spent a night to­gether. I told her how I felt, and she re­cip­ro­cated. How­ever, the next day I got a “can we act like that didn’t hap­pen and just be friends” text. I re­spected her re­quest.

Many months later, we met our new co-worker. He and I be­came good friends. A year in, they started see­ing one an­other. De­spite be­ing best friends, I never told him or any­one how I felt about her. I didn’t want to ad­mit I was still hold­ing onto one night from sev­eral years ago.

I moved away in an ef­fort to dis­tance my­self from the re­la­tion­ship, but re­mained great friends to both. Af­ter years of turn­ing down po­ten­tial part­ners, I de­cided I de­served to be happy. I dated a wo­man for four years, and while I loved her very much, it never matched what I feel for the bride.

Months will go by where I don’t think about her. But when I go back to visit, or if she’s brought up in con­ver­sa­tion, I re­al­ize the feel­ings are still there.

So seven years into this ridicu­lous in­fat­u­a­tion. The groom is like a brother to me and I think they’re great to­gether. I have no delu­sions about a fu­ture with her. I just want to be able to move on.

Can I gain clo­sure with­out com­ing clean to the bride or groom? Be­cause I fear to do so would end both re­la­tion­ships.

— Grooms­man

This is ba­si­cally the plot from “Four Wed­dings and a Funeral,” but I as­sume the out­come would be dif­fer­ent, be­cause life is not al­ways like a movie. When you pon­der the con­cept of “com­ing clean,” you have to also ask your­self: “What good would it do?” The an­swer here is “none.”

One way to gain clo­sure would be for you to wit­ness the wed­ding, and make a con­scious choice to close the book on your in­fat­u­a­tion. You’ve been mov­ing to­ward this for sev­eral years, and you have largely been suc­cess­ful.

Con­tinue to gen­er­ously grant your friend­ship, and con­tinue to keep your dis­tance, be­cause this seems to work for you.

My hus­band and I have been to­gether for 12 years. We have lived in three dif­fer­ent states for his job. Each new job helps him build his re­sume and in­crease his salary. I am a teacher, and have eas­ily found jobs at each lo­ca­tion.

He is be­ing con­sid­ered for yet an­other job across the coun­try.

Al­though he makes sig­nif­i­cantly more than I do, each move puts me at the bot­tom rung of the lad­der at my new school, and im­pacts my re­tire­ment sav­ings. I have put

You are not re­spon­si­ble for your hus­band’s (pos­si­ble) re­sent­ment. He is not re­spon­si­ble for your anger.

You should be equal part­ners in your mar­riage, re­gard­less of your in­come. But there are prac­ti­cal con­sid­er­a­tions to con­sider.

Do not put off your ed­u­ca­tion in an­tic­i­pa­tion of a pos­si­ble move and then blame him. You should pur­sue school.

If you don’t want to move, as­sert your­self. Treat this like a ne­go­ti­a­tion be­tween equals, with both agree­ing to ac­cept the re­sult. You’ve mod­eled a great at­ti­tude dur­ing your moves. Now it might be your hus­band’s turn to buck up.

“Up­set” was feel­ing over­whelmed by the sheer vol­ume of toys and clothes her in-laws were heap­ing onto the grand­chil­dren.

We went through this, too. Even with the “one toy in, one toy out” rule, it was still too much. We then told the grands that any­thing they wanted to give to the kids needed to stay at their house.

It took some time, but it worked!

— Room to Breathe

Great so­lu­tion.

Copy­right 2019 by Amy Dick­in­son

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