My parents are upset that I’m moving out
Dr. Wallace: I’ll turn 20 years old in January. I’m a high school graduate and I’ve had a good, steady job for the last eight months. I’ve been saving up my money because a good friend and I are looking forward to moving out of our parents homes and getting our first apartment together soon. In fact, we have already placed a deposit on a nice apartment about 4 miles away from the street we grew up on together.
My problem is that my parents don’t approve of me leaving their home at all! They continually warn me that the outside world is dangerous and difficult, prices are currently sky-high on many items including gasoline and that it will be harder than I think to make it on my own financially.
It’s true that my savings account is not huge, but I have already saved up enough for both my first month’s rent and my security deposit. My best friend who is moving out with me also has a good job at another company.
How can I convince my parents to not worry so much about me? I have two younger siblings still living at home, and they are 17 and 15, so my parents will still have children to take care of.
This is why I don’t understand their actions regarding me. My father, for example, has now resorted to the “silent treatment” now that I am close to moving out. I find this quite strange, since he and I have always gotten along fine, even if we aren’t super close like some sons and fathers are. My dad works about 60 hours a week, so although he’s been a great provider, he never spent a lot of time with me once I graduated from high school.
— Ready to Move, via email
Ready to Move: Your parents — your father in particular — are going through the experience of having a child leave home for the first time, and this can indeed weigh upon their psyche. Many parents find it a shock to see that their children reach the point of wanting to experience self-sufficiency.
I suggest that you sit down with both of your parents as soon as possible and thank them sincerely for everything they’ve done to provide you a wonderful home for nearly 20 years. Go another step further and tell them that one of the reasons you’re willing to try living out on your own with your roommate is that you know if something were to go wrong, or a financial crisis were to arrive, your parents would gladly welcome you back into their home. Tell them that the safety net of their home is very important to you, and do ask their permission to return in case you are in a situation in which you feel you need to do just that.
This conversation will have two benefits. First, it may break the ice a bit with your father and let both your parents know just how appreciated they always have been and they presently are. Second, this will indeed provide you a backup should you ever need it. Although you and your roommate both currently have steady jobs, the economy in the future always remains unpredictable. It’s good to have the backup of your family’s home, just 4 miles across town, in case you ever need it for food and shelter again.
And even if your move becomes a permanent one, do be sure to regularly visit your parents’ home. Check to see if you could set up a regular dinner evening that you could stop by to see them, enjoy a meal with your siblings and parents and keep everyone current on the news about all family members.
Should I have our ‘bonding baby’?
Dr. Wallace: I’m 18 and my boyfriend who is 19 just told me that he wants us to have what he calls a “bonding baby”! I asked him what he meant by this, and he said that he wants us to have a child as soon as possible.
He told me that because we are so deeply in love right now and that we have no plans to get married this young, there is nothing to keep the two of us from eventually drifting apart someday except becoming parents.
He figures that if we have a child together soon, this will increase our likelihood of staying together for the long haul and that we will eventually want to marry each other as well to provide our child a safe and happy home with two parents in it.
I do love and care for him, but to be honest, I was never planning to have a child at 18 or even 19, and in fact I’ve never even thought about it. Have you ever heard about a “bonding baby,” and if so, do you think it’s a good idea?
— Was Not Planning a Family This Soon, via email
Was Not Planning a Family This Soon:
I have never heard of a “bonding baby,” and I absolutely do not think it is a good idea. In fact, I see this suggestion of his as a form of manipulating you to stay with him.
Your letter was brief and did not provide much in the way of background. How long have you known him? What is his background like? How reliable is he and what type of job does he have? A baby creates not only physical and emotional responsibilities but a huge financial responsibility as well.
If and when you are to become married, that would be the time to even begin to think about having or starting a family with a new child. To have your guy suggest that you have his baby now at your present age so that you become “bonded” to him sounds like a huge red flag to me.
I’d advise you not only to not even consider having a baby now, but I’ll go a step further. I advise you to strongly consider ending this relationship before further manipulation rears its ugly head.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift. com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.