Survivor of sexual abuse deserves validation

Dear Amy: My parents divorced when I was

7 after my mother had an affair with one of my father’s employees.

He was a registered sex offender, but my mother moved him into our house immediately.

He started commenting on my breasts at a very early age. When I was

14, he offered to give me lessons on sex. At age 16, he was relentlessly commenting on my body, and when I yelled at him to stop, my mother grounded me for being disrespectful.

At age 17, he exposed himself and performed a sex act in front of me.

I left home at 17. I told my mother that I was very hurt that she never told him to stop the sexual abuse. She said that I am “too sensitive,” and that I was never sexually abused because her boyfriend (now husband) never actually touched me.

I’m 50 now, and I have had difficulty with intimacy my whole adult life. My mother blames me for turning her life upside down because I tried to hurt myself when I was 10 because I felt so terrible and dirty. I attempted suicide at age 16.

My family claims that this was not abuse because he didn’t rape me.

I have been to therapy and I have done a lot of work on myself.

Amy, I have felt useless and dirty since I was 10. Was I abused or am I not able to have an intimate relationship because of my own bad behavior?

— Still Wondering

Dear Wondering: You have a lingering and necessary desire for validation; this is a result of your family’s choice to continuously deny the traumatic experiences you were subjected to in your childhood.

Yes, you were abused. Your mother’s husband attempted to groom you throughout your childhood. Exposing himself and performing a sex act in front of you is a crime.

Read some of the accounts of (adult) women traumatized by Harvey Weinstein doing what this man did to you, and you will see the long-term impact of sexual misconduct and abuse. (Weinstein is on trial for rape; his criminal behavior also included exposing himself and performing a sex act in front of women).

You were a child. No one protected you at the time, and they are not protecting you now.

Your abuser robbed you of your self-esteem. Survivors of sexual abuse often struggle with trust and intimacy. This response is a natural reaction of you continuing to protect yourself, the way you had to during childhood.

I hope you will continue with therapy. RAINN.org offers valuable services to abuse survivors, including a 24/7 online chat line where you can contact a counselor. The “Survivor Stories” on the site include accounts much like yours, told by survivors who report many of the feelings you are also experiencing. Understand that you are not alone.

Dear Amy: I am a 62-yearold man. I am seeking a new relationship with a woman. What is ageappropriate for me when I’m looking for a partner?

— Aged Out

Dear Aged Out: You and I are the same age, roughly described as: “I’m anyonewho-will-have-me-yearsold.” Age is less important than maturity, and in that regard, life experience, work ethic, responsibility and reliability are all values to consider, regardless of the other person’s age.

Dear Amy: My husband and I just about rolled off our seats laughing at the letter from “Wondering,” the wife/mom who felt their daughters should know about the dad’s previous long-ago, shortlived first marriage.

This was the same situation we faced! We weren’t sure when to let our teenage daughters in on “the family secret,” but the perfect circumstance revealed itself.

One day while out for breakfast, we overheard a woman talking about her daughter in college getting married. Our daughter asked what we would say if she decided to get married so young. We smiled, knowing this was the right time. After we finished describing my husband’s youthful marriage, we continued to eat.

Our daughters sat there with their forks frozen halfway to their mouths!

It has become a funny family story.

— Second Wife

Dear Wife: It always comes as a shock to learn that your parents have a past.