I don’t like his ‘fullcourt press’
I have a friend who calls both her mom and her dad by their first names, so this means that she will say something like, “Say, Carlos, can I borrow the car after school on Friday afternoon?” or “Julia, can you help me shop for my prom dress this weekend?” At first, I found this awkward, but the more time I spent around their home, the more it seemed to feel natural.
So, this past weekend, I tried it out at my own house by calling my mother by her first name, but she got very angry and started yelling at me. Then, my father came into the room to see what was going on and I called him by his first name, too, and then the two of them went off together like a set of fireworks!
I ended up getting grounded for a week over this whole affair, which I did not feel was remotely fair. I tried to explain about my friend and their home, but my parents said there would be no “first name calling” going on in our home. They felt it was quite disrespectful.
Where do you stand on this issue, and why do you feel they got so angry with me? I truly didn’t feel it was that big a deal and certainly not punishable by being grounded for a full week.
Your mistake was catching your parents off guard. Had you simply explained first about your friend and his parents being very comfortable with everyone addressing one another by their first names, you could then have asked both your mother and your father how they felt about the issue.
But by simply addressing not one but both of your parents by their first names within the span of a few moments, you triggered an avalanche because this surprised and upset them so quickly.
In the future, ask first and then take action, if it’s deemed acceptable with any similar issue. Many cultures are taught to respect their elders, and this means not addressing older adults by their first names directly. Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule such as the home your friend lives in, but as a general rule, I believe you’ll find that parents and grandparents are to be addressed by at least a common name, such as Grandpa or Grandma, then followed by their actual names. Even aunts and uncles often warrant this same respect.
The bottom line is to ask first before you assume everyone is fine with a very casual way of addressing one another.
I have a boyfriend who is nice in many ways, but he often pressures me to be physically active with him. I haven’t told him about my past history of such experiences because I feel it is none of his business. We are both about to turn 18 this summer, and I’m finishing up my senior year in high school.
I’ve dated a few guys during my high school years, but I’ve always kept my distance for the most part physically, as I’ve thus far only been comfortable just holding hands, and in some cases a bit of moderate kissing. But this current guy is pressing me both verbally and physically to escalate our relationship, and I don’t feel ready or comfortable to do so. He’s going to a college that is a five-hour drive from the one I’m going to attend near my current home.
I like him in many ways, but lately, his “fullcourt press” has made me feel quite uncomfortable. Should I cut my ties with him since he’s leaving town
this fall anyhow?
Any relationship should be beneficial and empowering for both participants, and you’re definitely not feeling that here. The fact that you signed your letter using the word “uncomfortable” speaks volumes.
Yes, you could elect to cut ties immediately with him, but perhaps a better tactic would be to sit him down and be brutally honest with him about how you feel. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not at all comfortable with his pressing advances and that these actions are driving you further from him rather than closer to him. Do this in a mellow tone of voice, not an accusatory one. Your goal is communication here, not to scold or belittle him.
If he truly cares for you, he’ll listen and respect what you are saying to him. His future actions should then back up this sentiment and understanding. However, if his reply to you is in a poor tone of voice, or if he continues to persist and pressure you in other ways, then it’s best to move on.
You’ve invested time in this relationship, and you like him in many other ways, so you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and to get an answer (and future actions) from him that will indicate just how strong your union truly is.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@ thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators. com.
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to help them get a better grasp of the world they were trying to create.
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