Teen wonders how to break bad news to her boyfriend
Dr. Wallace: I’m a female planning out my life right now. I’m 17 and was previously thinking about having a legal career, but now I want to have a career in the medical field, so I know I’ll need to step up my educational pursuits over the next several years. This means I’m not overly excited about getting involved in any serious relationships with guys in the foreseeable future. I’ve had a few boyfriends in high school, but in my mind none of these relationships were truly serious. I’m almost 18, so the last thing I need is to get married or have a child before I can complete my educational plans.
My parents support my line of thinking, but I must admit that many of my close girlfriends think I’m crazy. They are all “guy-crazy” and a few of them can’t wait to get married and have a couple of children right away. I support them but tell them their path is not one I plan to be on anytime soon.
So, my question is about how I can explain to my current boyfriend that I’m not looking for a long-term relationship with him right now. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, but I’m not about to get engaged or anything close to that anytime soon. He wants to know what college I’ll be attending next fall as he wants to follow me and continue our relationship. His favorite line to say to me is, “You’re worth following anywhere.”
How can I let him down easily, given my future plans? I really like and even love him and we get along very well, but I highly doubt he’ll want to wait as long as it will take for me to reach the point where I’m ready to settle down. Therefore, I’ve been thinking of the best way (and least injurious to him) to break my news.
How do you think I should best extract myself from my current relationship? I don’t want to encourage him unnecessarily any further.
—Very Career-Focused, via email
Very Career-Focused: I find it odd that you mention that you really like your current boyfriend and “even love him” yet your focus appears now to be entirely on how to dismiss him from your life.
You also appear to be influenced by the fact that you have several girlfriends who are ready to start families relatively soon. Your boyfriend to my knowledge has not pressured you to start a family or get married, but rather his quote to you was, “You’re worth following anywhere.” This sounds like a loyal and loving boyfriend to me.
Of course, it’s your life and your choice regarding your future plans and your current relationship. But instead of focusing on how to be the “least injurious to him,” why not just be honest with him? Based on what I’ve read, I feel he deserves the truth from you before you make any other plans. Tell him openly and honestly what your plans are, and see how he reacts. He may indeed wish to step aside, but if you are not fully set on breaking up with him, he may wish to support you and continue seeing you without pressuring you to advance your relationship further at this point in each of your respective lives. You’ve said that you love him, and I feel he absolutely deserves to know what you’re thinking, especially since you have not disclosed the entirety of your mindset to him.
What your relationship is lacking, in my opinion, is an open, honest and wide-ranging discussion about your current relationship and each of your future plans. Honest communication is the hallmark of any relationship, especially a romantic one. I suggest you be honest with him, honest with yourself and keep an open mind as to both your present situation and your future plans. Things are bound to evolve for each of you over time, and you might find yourselves growing closer over time rather than further apart.
THEY SAID AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL IS EASY
Dr. Wallace: We have some new students from Europe and Asia at our high school. They are excellent students who study hard, pay attention in class and get good grades. And to my surprise, they said, “American high school is easy.” I asked them why and one of the answers was we have fewer actual school days than they were used to in their own countries, therefore they have more time to study, prepare and score higher on tests, projects and term papers. Could this be true? Do we have it too easy here in America?
— I Was Surprised to Hear This, via email
I Was Surprised to Hear This: There are indeed differences in actual school days attended by high school students around the world. Many of the areas you mentioned do have more actual school days than we typically do here in America.
We average about 180 school days a year. For example, some Asian schools have students attend up to 210 days per year of school. Some schools there even have Saturday classes for part of the year. In Europe, some nations have more school hours than we typically do here in America, but a few actually have less. Then, beyond just the number of days in school, there is also the issue of hours per day, which should also be factored into any discussion of the volume of in-person school a student receives, no matter where they are based. Even in the United States, some states have more hours of education per day than other states.
I suspect your new fellow students find their challenges a bit easier since they were used to more overall hours of their time being previously tethered to a classroom than they do right now. Kudos to them for using their “extra” free time to focus on studying outside of the formal classroom time. Every student around the world can make a similar commitment if they are motivated to do so, no matter what their local school hours and days are.