Married 45 years; many boomers haven’t been as lucky
Next month, my bride, Elvira, and I will celebrate 45 years of marriage. Forgive me, but I’m pretty impressed with the longevity of our union. In this case, I make the rare exception of seeing no shame in my pride at this accomplishment.
I feel this all the more so because my generation — baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964 — is increasingly getting divorced more than any other. Between 1990 and 2021, the rate of divorce among people age 65 and older tripled, growing more than any other age group, according to an analysis published in 2023 by Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family & Marriage Research.
The trend here, besides humbling, is unmistakable. In 2010, 27% of divorces were among those age 50 and older. By 2019, that proportion grew to 36%. Indeed, 1 in every 4 divorces are now among those 65 and older, according to Bowling Green State University researchers.
Overall, by the way, the average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is eight years. And oh yeah, while divorce rates for those age 45 and older are rising, the rates for those younger than 45 are actually dropping.
I was curious to see how my marriage stacked up against my contemporaries, particularly in my 1970 Fair Lawn High School graduating class. So I conducted an informal survey through my Facebook page, asking my classmates how many of their firsttime marriages remained intact to this day. (Though this sampling is admittedly skewed because nonrespondents to my query go uncounted.)
To my delight, I learned that we’re bucking the trend for seniors to break up. Many members of my graduating class have stayed married. Of 47 respondents to my query, 41 clocked in at 38-plus years of matrimony, with no fewer than 16 — almost one-third! — notching 50 years or more, my independent poll showed. A few started as high school sweethearts.
Only five ended in divorce, with one of those leading to a second marriage and another to a second and yet a third.
That’s special: At least half of all adults who married in the 1970s — as most of our class did — reached a 25th anniversary, but only 7% of American marriages last at least 50 years, the Bowling Green researchers found.
This data bodes well for those of us who have toughed it out because the outlook for married couples to live a long life is highly promising. Married people are likely to live longer than divorcees, with a mortality rate of only 779 per 100,000 versus a whopping 1,363 per 100,000, a 75% improvement, according to government data.
What are the key ingredients to a long successful marriage? Mutual trust and respect, according to the consensus among psychologists and therapists. Commitment and loyalty. A willingness to negotiate and compromise. As a study of 1,152 couples who had been married for more than 50 years concluded, strong communication came in handy, along with faith in, reliance on and admiration for each other.
I happen to have a theory, far from scientifically proven just yet, about why my hometown was an incubator for marital longevity. Research suggests that marriages in small towns — ours had a population of about 35,000 — are more durable than those in cities. So our coming of age in a suburban environment, strong on a sense of community, and, better still, during the largely strait-laced 1950s and early 1960s, may have figured in the equation here.
To find out, I asked my classmates for insights into how and why they’ve remained valentines for so long. And they largely confirmed my theory, if only anecdotally.
“We knew each other’s family and friends, which made for an easier connection,” one person said. “Our next-door neighbor set us up on a blind date,” another said. A third said, “We know the same people from Fair Lawn, have stayed in touch with many, and it’s just familiar and comfortable.”
None of this is necessarily all that surprising. At least 59% of adults who are 60 or older have married only once, the U.S. Census Bureau reported in 2021. Almost half of all men (46%) and more than one-third of all women (39%) between ages 60 and 69 are still married to the first person they wed, according to the bureau.
By no means, though, are my classmates setting any records here just yet. According to Guinness World Records, the longest marriage on record, between Jacob and Sarah Hiller, lasted 88 years and 349 days. But let’s also give credit where it’s due to the previous record holders, Zelmyra and Herbert Fisher, who stuck together for 86 years and 290 days.
“We just did what was needed for each other and our family,” they explained.
“Respect, support and communicate with each other,” they advised. “Be faithful, honest and true. We pray with and for each other every day.”