Teen hesistant to date again after bad breakup
Dr. Wallace: I just came out of a tough relationship learning experience. I’m 17, and I was dating someone who I thought was a really great guy for the past five months.
However, a former friend of mine did everything she could to break us up, and she convinced him to tell me that he still wanted to date me, but not exclusively. He used the line about it being time for us each to start seeing other people as it may make us appreciate each other more and draw us closer. She asked him out, and he had the audacity to say yes.
We were doing very well before she meddled. We didn’t need to see anyone else to appreciate each other more.
The bad news is that I’m now heartbroken and am struggling to process all of this. The good news is that I’m done with him for sure. He could beg me for another chance tomorrow and I would simply tell him that he had his chance already and failed us miserably.
But my heartbreak has me in an introverted funk that keeps me home and sulking. How can I snap out of this and move on as soon as possible?
— I’m Done With That Guy, via email
I’m Done with That Guy:
Everyone seems to have a different time frame when it comes to recovering from a romantic relationship that has turned sour.
I could give you statistics or tell you that time will heal your heart at some point, but I feel that a proverb from French culture I once heard hits just about the right chord: “The best way to get over a broken heart is to go out and get it broken again.”
This bold proverb may add a valuable touch of levity and realism. Many if not all romantic relationships early in life do end at some point, with the exception being the special one that may lead to a lifelong commitment, and hopefully a lifetime of joy, love and companionship. But all others are fated to fizzle and eventually fade away.
Allow yourself to grieve for a while, but realize that there are great people out there, and you’re likely to find one who suits you quite well after you feel ready to get yourself back into circulation.
HIS LIFE EXPERIENCE IS TWICE MINE
Dr. Wallace: I’m a college student who is 21 and I’m in a hot and heavy relationship with a guy who is quite a bit older than I am. His father owns a very famous restaurant in our college town, and he works there as well.
He has two sisters and no brothers. Neither of his sisters work at the restaurant, and they don’t want to take it over when his father retires. My guy, however, tells me he’s ready to step into the role when the time comes.
We met when I was with a large group of my girlfriends celebrating an event our sorority was promoting. He was gracious and quite talkative with our table that night, and he and I spoke alone for 10 minutes while our group was waiting for rides back to our dorms.
He’s friendly and outgoing and he treats me well, but he is 42 — exactly twice as old as I am. We’ve been seeing each other for the past four months. I’ve had a few of my friends warn me that he still has roving eyes at his restaurant and that he engages in conversations with as many attractive young ladies as he can.
Do you feel I should worry about this or simply write it off as being hospitable is part of his job? I’m enjoying the present with him, but I’ll admit that when I think about a future with him, he’ll be married to that restaurant once his father steps down, which I hear may be sooner rather than later. And if I ever got serious with him, I already know that I wouldn’t want to work a great chunk of my adult life in a busy restaurant; it’s just not who I am. Am I kidding myself dating this guy?
— He’s Lived Two of My Lifetimes, via email
He’s Lived Two of My Lifetimes:
It depends on what you are looking for and if your goals are short term or long term. You’ve said yourself that he’ll be attached at the hip to this restaurant. If you’re not interested in working alongside him there, then the two of you would definitely be spending a lot of time apart, especially in the evenings, if you stay together for the long run.
I’ve also received letters warning about two-decade age gaps for 20-something women, but I’ve had a few letters about similar relationships working out well, too.
Your feelings and comfort level here are what matters most. For the short term, you’re enjoying an interesting relationship with an interesting man. But over time, what makes your present relationship seem fresh and rewarding may become stale and unsatisfactory.
I suggest having very open conversations with him about the future as his replies and insights may be quite revealing. Then couple those discussions with some serious alone time to consider what the future would look like with him. In any relationship, it’s never too early to take a peek at what you feel the future would look like. It’s not only natural, but also can be quite useful.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift. com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.