New wife seeks to shed wicked stepmother status
Dr. Wallace: I’m recently married and am now a stepmother to a 14-yearold girl who lost her mother to a terrible illness three years ago.
She does get along well with her father, but she is often sharp and snippy in her tone and choice of language when she speaks with me when we are alone, even about mundane things such as chores or walking our family dog.
I’ve spoken with my husband about this, and his take is that she’s going through a transitional period. He feels she’ll calm down soon and the relationship between her and me will settle down and become much more comfortable.
How can I end or at least slow the current level of disrespect? I am always calm with my tone and words when speaking with her, but I’m not afraid to remind her to clean her room each weekend or to complete her regular chores — ones that both her father and I assigned to her together.
— Not an Evil Stepmother, via email
Not an Evil Stepmother:
There is no doubt she will always miss her mother, but a three-year period should at least warrant a respectful tone toward you, even if it’s not overly affectionate.
Your husband may not be fully aware of how things are between you and his daughter. Ask him to speak to her alone so she can share her feelings about you. Once you are debriefed, you can use any new information to help you improve the relationship.
You should make an effort to find out what her likes and favorites are. If, for example, she enjoys shopping at a particular clothing store, offer to take her there when you both have time one weekend morning. Make an effort to get to know her as well as you can, but tread lightly and don’t seek to become her best friend or to achieve massive changes in her behavior quickly. Strive instead to make incremental gains in kinship, friendliness and even acceptable tolerance of each other for the greater good. When you feel the time is right, ask her to tell you some of her favorite memories and stories about her mother. Mention that you’ve heard she was a great woman and that you trying to learn more about her is your way of both honoring her memory and seeking to do your best for her daughter.
Throughout this process, you still need to act normally and request politely that chores and homework are completed. If you feel the need to soften these requests, even in the short run, you can volunteer to help a bit with homework and chores to show that you care and are willing to be involved in her life.
Dr. Wallace: I’m a teenager who has had two great friends. One of them recently had to move across the country, even though our school year is almost over.
I thought this person would keep in touch with me and that we’d text, send pictures and talk on the phone. But we’ve barely kept in touch at all. I know it’s only been three weeks, but I’m really disappointed. Do you feel we’ll resume our tight relationship, or is this likely going to be the new future?
— Sadly Feeling Separated, via email
Sadly Feeling Separated:
I suggest that you hold on loosely and keep in moderate touch with your friend by only sending the premium 10% of your new pictures and messages with updates.
Remember that this friend is transitioning to a completely new area of the country and is likely devoid of any preexisting friends there. No doubt your friend is very busy trying to navigate a new school with new teachers and curriculum and trying to make new friends. That takes a lot of time and energy.
Sending your friend just a bit of the “fillet” of what you would usually send via text, social media and email will keep the connection but still allow the friend not to feel overwhelmed with a lot of messages to return daily. Over time, I do feel your friend will have more time to spend with you, even via long distance. A great friendship is usually not easily broken simply due to a move. Stay positive, and when you feel it’s appropriate, request a few pictures of your friend’s new school and activities. This topic may be a good one to focus on for a while going forward.