Partner and parent feels like punching bag

DEAR AMY: I’m the punching bag in a relationship with my common-law spouse. We have three children (ages 4, 2, and a baby).

I hold down a professional career and do a significant portion of housework as well as devote all my nonwork waking hours to caring for and teaching the children — but still I am belittled and accused of not doing enough.

Her family members constantly warn her that I will leave (I have never threatened to leave). This makes her more frustrated and she takes this out on me. She can’t see the harm she’s doing to our relationship because she’s too busy looking at how “unfair” things are for her.

How can I make her see how her actions hurt others? — Tired of Being Pushed Around

DEAR TIRED: You and your partner are enduring the most challenging phase of family life. In the best circumstances, it is not pretty. And in the worst cases parenthood looks like your household, with two exhausted parents who — instead of offering love and support — are serving up blame and recrimination to each other.

You don’t outline particulars about her behavior, and you don’t say how long she has been behaving this way, but I’m going to make the (kinder) assumption that she is completely overwhelmed, and/or possibly depressed. Has she been screened for postpartum depression?

You two need as much practical help as you can get. Those family members of hers who are busy offering opinions about your relationship should grab a diaper bag and offer some practical assistance to your household.

You and your partner must have some alone time, so you can work on some of these issues, connect and reconnect without the kids around. Making the investment of leaving the household together for one date night (or date afternoon, or date two hours) once a week could get you through this rough patch and help you rebuild your relationship.

If your partner is unwilling to treat you differently, then yes, your relationship is definitely at risk.

DEAR AMY: My heart broke when I read the letter from “Sad Foster,” who had to relinquish three foster siblings she and her husband hoped to adopt. There are times when the child protective services caseworker would much prefer to keep children in the foster home instead of having them go back to the birth parents, but they have no choice. It is difficult to see it happen. — Anne

DEAR ANNE: I admire the people willing to risk having their hearts broken in this way.