The Morning Journal (Lorain, OH)
’Twas the Night Before Browns-mas
’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the decked hall, Not a creature was stirring, ’cept Johnny Football. His playbook sat next to his inflatable swan, Hoping its owner would be home before dawn. His teammates were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of Brian Hoyer danced in their heads. Haslam and Farmer and Pettine, by the way, Nestled down in the back room of a local Flying J. When out by the gas pumps there arose such a scrape Haslam sprang from his bed to offer rebates. Away to pump seven he flew like a flash, Hollering, “We accept credit, debit or cash!” The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the Pilot Flying J sign that Tennessee glow. And Jimmy soon realized what his eyes were a-sayin’ It was some reindeer, a sled, and the great Otto Graham! ’Ol Otts looked tremendous, and boy, could he play! Won more rings than Manning, Montana, Elway. Though more rapid than eagles, his coursers took a blow, And Otto intro’d them, so Jimmy would know. “There’s, Motley, that’s Speedie, Lavelli and Groza, Len Ford and Bill Willis, those guys could bulldoze-ya.” To the top of the league, and that’s where they stayed. For most of a decade the champs chumped the decayed. As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. “What the heck does that mean?” asked the great Otto-matic. “Dunno,” said J-Has, “This poem’s quite erratic.” Otto agreed as he gassed up the sled. Then off they all flew to the Factory of Dread. FirstEnergy Stadium stood lonely and dark. On the plus side: plenty of places to park. The great man was dressed in his Browns’ uniform. No. 14, which nobody since him has worn. A bundle of goodies he had flung on his back, And he looked like ’ole Santa just opening his sack. His eyes, how they twinkled, in the cold and the draft. His cheeks were like roses, kinda like Aaron Craft. The cut of his jib, whatever that is, Made you say to yourself, “I want one like his.” The stump of a pipe in his teeth, that was new. And the smoke went nowhere until he told it to. He had a chiseled face and a six-pack for abs The great Otto Graham, imagine! Eee-gads! He was ripped, and all business, no jolly old elf. He could intimidate opponents just by being himself. A wink of his eye from his orange and brown sleigh Made it clear that bystanders should get out of the way. He spoke not a word but went inside the stadium, Leaving in each player’s locker an appeal to their cranium. From all the great Browns from all seasons past, To start winning some games and start kicking some as … soon as possible. Then he sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew, sheer testosterone and male gristle. But he was heard to exclaim, from a grim backward glance, “Merry Christmas, find a quarterback — and lose those brown pants!”
In case you were wondering, retiring Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig’s lovely parting gift is a retirement package that will pay him $6 million per year, or about what the world champion San Francisco Giants will pay Marco Scutaro next year.
So it’s totally accurate, then, if history looks back on Selig as the Marco Scutaro of commissioners.
According to FanGraphs, the Indians and Mariners are tied for the title of best starting rotation in the American League. Meanwhile, ESPN insider Mike Petriello writes that the Indians have a very good chance of having the best starting rotation in the American League in 2015.
Petriello points out that the Indians’ rotation — Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco, Danny Salazar, Trevor Bauer and T.J. House — had a combined 2.95 ERA in the second half of last season, the second-lowest mark in the major leagues.
Petriello also points out that the Indians’ five starters in the second half of last season led the major leagues in FIP (fielding independent pitching), WAR, strikeout percentage, walk percentage, and home run percentage.
So while it’s true the Indians haven’t done much this offseason, it might also be true that they don’t need to do much. If their starting rotation is as advertised — i.e. the best in the league — they might be able to get by with a mediocre offense.
The Indians in 2014 were seventh in the league in runs scored, sixth in on-base percentage, seventh in slugging percentage and seventh in OPS.
That’s not much different than the World Series champion Giants, who were fifth in runs scored, seventh in on base percentage, sixth in slugging percentage and sixth in OPS.
As everyone knows, in the real world, dinosaurs can’t dribble. That explains why the Toronto Raptors will soon have a new logo. The old logo was a dribbling dinosaur. The new one will be a basketball ripped by dinosaur claw marks.
Canadian rapper Drake contributed to the new design, because why wouldn’t he?
In an interview with ESPN’s Andy Katz, NBA commissioner Adam Silver said, “I absolutely don’t believe any team is trying to lose.”
That may be, but isn’t it bad enough that a commissioner has to come out and say that publicly?
Weak. Very weak.
Chicago Bears quarterback and professional sourpuss Jay Cutler has been benched by head coach Marc Trestman. The benching comes 14 games into Cutler’s seven-year, $126.7 million contract, and 10 days after Trestman said, “As long as Jay is healthy he is going to be playing quarterback for us.” Except when he isn’t.
Come to think of it, if Bud Selig is the Marco Scutaro of commissioners, Roger Goodell must be the Geno Smith of commissioners.
In case you were wondering, the Browns are in Carolina on Dec. 21 as they return to action following their bye week.
After doing a few days research on all the upcoming college football bowl games, I think the one I’m looking forward to the most is the Dec. 27 showdown in the Duck Commander Independence Bowl between 6-6 South Carolina and 6-6 Miami (Fla.). It’s a shame either team has to play. I can’t decide which team I like. It’s six of one, half a dozen of the other.
JIngraham@MorningJournal.com; @jitribeinsider