Sisters disagree over death disclosure

DEAR AMY >> My sister and I cannot agree on whether to tell my 96-year-old aunt that my 92-year-old father (her brother) passed away.

Our aunt is in a memory care facility with some dementia. There are times that she is really with it, and then there are other times that I have to explain to her who I am.

If we want to talk to her, she has to come to the phone in the common area.

My dad was an executor of her will, along with two of my cousins. My sister feels that she would freak out about the fact that my dad died, and then fret over her will, even though my cousins are perfectly capable of handling her estate.

My sister feels that we should keep this information from her, to keep her from getting upset.

I, on the other hand, feel that we should tell her. She has a right to know. I don’t believe in treating adults like children. I know that I would be hurt if my family kept information from me.

But then again, I’m not elderly and suffering from dementia.

I believe that we both want what is best for my aunt, but we are definitely coming at this from two very different directions.

My sister and I constantly argue over things like this. Honestly, once our father’s estate is settled, I don’t think we’ll have much of a relationship left. Your thoughts? — At My Wits’ End

DEAR WITS’ END >> I come down on your side of this issue, but there are many variables. Your aunt is not a child; she is an adult with a cognitive illness. Surely her illness will have an impact on how she processes this information, but I do agree that she has a right to know about her brother’s death.

You (and/or your sister) should discuss this with your cousins (her children), and they should seek the counsel of a social worker where your aunt is living in order to arrive at the best way to convey this information.

Your cousins (and you and/or your sister) should be with your aunt when she is told about this. Even if her memory is impaired, she needs and deserves personal contact and comfort.

I hope your relationship with your sister survives this very tough period in your family’s life. Everybody processes loss differently, and you both might be acting out of your own sense of grief. This is a time when everyone should soften as much as possible, in order to be gentle with yourselves — and others.

DEAR AMY >> I met a wonderful man about a year ago. I love him, we are both widowed, and we are practicing Christians.

I had a wonderful and fulfilling marriage; his was dysfunctional at best. I would like to remarry. He has stated in the past he has no desire to. I broke up with him briefly, but we were both heartbroken, and have not left each other’s side since.

What should I do? I don’t believe in ultimatums, but I’ll be 65 on my next birthday, and I’m tired of living in limbo, and driving back and forth to each other’s houses has gotten old. I know he loves me, but I’m not sure if that’s enough. Your advice? — Tired DEAR TIRED >> Once you decide where you stand, then you should stalwartly stand there, ready to assume full responsibility for your stance, and accept the consequences. You tell your partner, “I no longer want to conduct our relationship this way. It is important to me that we get married.”

This is not an ultimatum, but simply stating your own truth.

Then it’s his turn to weigh in. If he doesn’t want to get married, then you will have a choice to make. You should make this choice according to your own values and purpose, and not as a way of manipulating him.

DEAR AMY >> “Torn” is a professional musician whose wife wants him to stop playing at night.

I am in that jazz world. Our workplace is the clubs.

These gigs can be hard to come by. Most of us have day jobs too. Torn’s day job is caring for his daughter. His wife is essentially asking him to give up his career. His wife is being unreasonable. She knew he was a musician when she married him.

— Nativesax

DEAR NATIVESAX >> Iam hoping that with some compromise, they can both continue in their professions.

DEAR AMY >> I am in my late 20’s with parents in their late 60s. I have a young daughter. We are all very close and spend a lot of time together, however, I am starting to dread eating out in restaurants with them.

They are quick to complain, and often berate the wait staff over issues out of their control (i.e. the food being delayed).

Many times they will repeat the same issue over and over again to our server, even after they have (unnecessarily) apologized. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but I am not sure how to raise the issue without offending them and seeming disrespectful.

I also don’t want my daughter to view this as an acceptable way to treat people. Any advice? — Despairing Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER >> I’m going to assume that your parents aren’t suffering from health problems that might affect their behavior, although if their behavior has changed radically recently, this may be a possibility.

Your parents might act offended or disrespected by any suggestion from you that their behavior is unkind — but that doesn’t mean that you are actually being offensive or disrespectful.

Soon after one of these episodes (not at the table), you should say to both of them, “I am very uncomfortable with the way you treated our waiter during our meal. You raised me to be courteous and respectful, and yet you didn’t behave that way today. I’m trying to set a good example for my daughter, and you can help by being more patient and polite to the wait staff. Will you try?”

If you clearly convey how you feel and this happens again, you should tell them that you would like to see them, but not at a restaurant.