Heartbroken woman receives abuse at home

DEAR AMY » I recently experienced a terrible heartbreak. This has changed the way I view the world (and myself), and I find myself having trouble trusting other people. Basically, it’s been a very tough time for me emotionally.

My father has a history of being emotionally abusive toward me and the rest of the family. I usually come home on the weekends, and except for my father’s occasional behavior, my parents have, for the most part, been supportive of me.

My father recently initiated an episode that quite frankly crossed a line. There was a very small, unimportant issue that he used as an excuse to yell at me and belittle me, as usual. But this time he used my heartbreak to personally attack me, and it hurt on a very deep level. He said that I was a b---h and a pig and that’s why my ex broke up with me. I can’t even look him in the eye after he said something so cruel to me.

I usually ignore his episodes, but if I don’t, he is defensive, makes excuses, has another episode and often “forgets” what he’s done and denies it.

Now, I feel like cutting him off and never talking to him again, but realistically that won’t be easy. I am quite dependent on my family now, and I still love my mom and want to spend time at home.

What can I do in this situation? — Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN » The person who calls you a “b--h and a pig” is the person who shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do so again.

The rational consequence of your father’s behavior should be for you to react honestly, and then keep your distance from him.

I’ll also venture an armchair opinion that being the daughter of a verbally abusive father has set you up for challenges in other relationships with men in your life.

You say you need your family, but given the tremendous cost to you, you should consider not going home every weekend, and using those times away from them to develop other interests, healthy hobbies, and friendships. It would be ideal if you could spend time with your supportive mother, outside of your father’s presence. I certainly hope he doesn’t treat his wife the way he treats his daughter.

During one of your solo weekends, you should take time to read: “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life,” by Susan Forward and Craig Buck (2002, Bantam).

Amy Dickinson