Wife and mom is missing something: Some friends

DEAR AMY >> Iam at a crossroads in my social life and could use some advice.

I am a married mother in my early 30s. Over time I have had a “falling out” (so to speak) with each and every one of my life-long friends (close friends from high school/college).

I will spare you the specifics of how these friendships ended, but I now find myself with no close friends to share my life with.

I miss the friendships I used to have, but I do not miss the drama and disruptions they caused in my life.

I have had no luck finding new friends my age that share my interests.

Is there something wrong with me? Why at this stage in my life is it so difficult to make and maintain these relationships?

My marriage is strong, my career is everything I want it to be, and my children are happy and successful, yet I seem to be failing terribly at having and keeping close friends. Any advice?

— Friendless

DEAR FRIENDLESS >> I don’t know if there is something “wrong” with you, but your behavior of dropping all of your friendships implies a pattern — and you are at the center. So, yes, you should carefully examine your own behavior, take responsibility and most importantly — see what negative patterns emerge that you can change.

Making new friends — especially in adulthood — is a significant challenge. Most parents find themselves thrown together with other parents at the playground or at school; these glancing connections can evolve into very rewarding relationships centered around family life. Are there other moms in your circle you’d like to befriend? Many of us also find pals that bloom into friendships at work.

But making friends is challenging. And transforming an acquaintance into a friendship can seem like a delicate dance. One of my own besties simply approached me in our daughters’ kindergarten classroom and said, “Hey, you seem cool. Do you want to be friends?” Turns out, I’m not that cool (she is!), but we’ve managed to stay friends for 25 years.

Read “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends,” by Shasta Nelson (2013, Turner). Nelson is also CEO of the innovative friendship matching site: girlfriendcircles.com.

DEAR AMY >> We built a custom home a few years ago and went to great lengths to research our neighbor’s house colors before we decided on a color.

After much thought, we chose a white-and-black scheme for our house.

No other house on our street is similar to ours.

Fast-forward to today, and a new house is being built directly next door to ours. They are intending to paint their house the same colors as ours (although they believe their white paint will be “quite different”).

They bought their lot knowing our paint choices. They also are aware that this decision will frustrate us.

Is it tacky to copy someone’s house colors when you’re direct neighbors?

— Frustrated Neighbor DEAR FRUSTRATED >> There are many neighborhoods and housing associations where people are forced through strict rules and design limitations to paint their houses within a very narrow range. Lucky you — you have the freedom to paint your house the way you want!

Your new neighbor has the same freedom.

Having a house painted white isn’t exactly pushing the boundaries of taste and design — you’ve chosen the most popular house color for your own house. Surely you can’t be that surprised that someone else on your street will also choose to have a white house.

Even if this was a deliberate copying of your home, you have choices about how to behave. In this case, even if you are feeling petty, slighted and frustrated, you should behave as if you feel flattered.

No, it is not tacky to paint a house white, even if your neighbor’s house is also white. This might be a very good lesson for you. You seem very careful, deliberate and controlled. Other people aren’t like you. Understanding and accepting this will be a good exercise in neighborliness.

DEAR AMY >> “Wondering” was ensnared in a family drama when visiting her close older friend. Her friend’s cousins accused Wondering of coming on to male family members.

I think it’s possible that these family members were trying to isolate the older woman, in hopes of receiving an inheritance. Unfortunately, I have seen this happen.

— Wondering No More

DEAR NO MORE >> This is a definite possibility. “Wondering” should take steps to try to reconnect with her friend.