Husband’s ‘voyeur’ addiction leads to split

DEAR AMY >> My husband of 25 years has an obsession with voyeur pornography. He is addicted to websites that feature women filmed without their consent or knowledge; filmed with hidden cameras, etc. My husband has shown me pictures of wives and girlfriends who have been filmed without their consent. I think this type of pornography is wrong on so many levels, and wonder how it can even be legal! I am deeply hurt and am considering divorce. My husband keeps telling me he will stop, but he always goes back to the porn. Some alcoholics can stop drinking with success. Can porn addicts ever stop watching porn? Any advice is appreciated. — Wife Needing Advice DEAR NEEDING >> Is your husband an addict? Or is he just a garden-variety scumbag who likes watching a particularly vile form of pornography? I’m voting for what’s behind Door Number Two. Filming and distributing this sort of material is likely illegal (states are in the process of enacting a variety of laws about this sort of voyeuristic filming and distribution). This sort of cybercrime is labeled “revenge porn” in many states, for lack of a different way to categorize it. Watching it is terrible. Enjoying it is disgusting. Asking you to watch it is abusive. Justifying it is delusional. If your husband was an addict and wanted to recover from his addiction, he would seek professional help and work toward recovery. He’s not doing this. I think you should stop “considering divorce” and go ahead and do it. Furthermore, if I were you, I would try to discover the source of these videos and make every effort to see these perpetrators punished to the fullest extent of the law. DEAR AMY >> I am 61 years old. My sister is 51. My daughter is turning 40 this year and we are invited to a party for her. Although I’m young for my age with lots of energy, I recognize my role as an older Mom. As much as I’d like to be there for the whole party, I’ve been told it’s inappropriate to hang with my daughter’s peers, so I plan to attend for a while then depart to allow the younger crowd to drink/dance. That said, I’m feeling “left out” because my younger sister is seeing herself as my daughter’s “peer” rather than her older aunt. She plans to remain at the party after I leave. I know she’s squeezed in the middle due to her age. What are your thoughts about age differences and behaviors? My sister, who used to be my peer, is now shifting to being my daughter’s peer. She even attended my daughter’s bachelorette party while I sat it out as not appropriate for me. She assumes she’s included with the younger set. Am I being unreasonable with my feelings of jealousy over my sister’s

“not yet old” status? — In the Age Squeeze DEAR IN THE AGE >> must point out the obvious >> You are not a “young-foryour-age” 61-year-old. You are an old-for-your-age middle-aged person. Unless my math is off, you had your daughter when you were 21 years old. Younger mothers sometimes grow up alongside their children and thus become more peerlike with their kids than older mothers. You seem to have gone in the opposite direction. If you are deliberately limiting yourself from attending and/or enjoying landmark events in your daughter’s life because you think it’s “inappropriate,” then that’s on you. You should attend whatever events to which you are invited. You should stay as long as you want to stay — without imposing on the host or getting in the way of the partying. I can well imagine you not being interested in hanging out with your daughter’s friends after the drinking and dancing start. But if your sister wants to, then that’s her right. If she is making a fool of herself, then that’s on her. Your sister was 11 years old when her niece was born. The numbers alone make them more peerlike. Your attitude regarding your own role seems to make things worse for you. I hope you will change your perspective. “Acting your age” is behaving in a mature fashion, not necessarily counting yourself out altogether.