Groomsman needs to close book on bride

DEAR AMY >> I’m in love with my best friend’s fiancée, and I’m set to be a groomsman at their wedding.

I met the bride in college. We worked together. After months of office flirting, we spent a night together. I told her how I felt, and she reciprocated. However, the next day I got a “can we act like that didn’t happen and just be friends” text. I respected her request.

Many months later, we met our new co-worker. He and I became good friends.

A year in, they started seeing one another. Despite being best friends, I never told him or anyone how I felt about her. I didn’t want to admit I was still holding onto one night from several years ago.

I moved away in an effort to distance myself from the relationship, but remained great friends to both.

After years of turning down potential partners, I decided I deserved to be happy. I dated a woman for four years, and while I loved her very much, it never matched what I feel for the bride.

Months will go by where I don’t think about her. But when I go back to visit, or if she’s brought up in conversation, I realize the feelings are still there.

So, here I am, seven years into this ridiculous infatuation. The groom is like a brother to me and I think they’re great together.

I have no delusions about a future with her. I just want to be able to move on.

Can I gain closure without coming clean to the bride or groom? Because I fear to do so would end

both relationships completely.

— Groomsman

DEAR GROOMSMAN>> This is basically the plot from “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” but I assume the outcome would be different, because life is not always like a movie. When you ponder the concept of “coming clean,” you have to also ask yourself, “What good would it do?” The answer here is “none.”

One way to gain closure would be for you to witness the wedding, and make a conscious choice to finally close the book on your infatuation.

You’ve been moving toward this for several years, and you have largely been successful.

Continue to generously grant your friendship, and continue to keep your distance, because this seems to work for you.

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have lived in three different states for his job. Each new job helps him to build his resume and increase his salary. I am a teacher, and have easily found jobs at each location.

He is being considered for yet another job across the country.

Although he makes significantly more than I do, each move puts me at the bottom rung of the ladder at my new school, and impacts my retirement savings.

I have had to put off getting my master’s degree because of the possibility of moving.

I love my husband very much, but I’m tired of feeling like my career and education should take a backseat simply because his earning potential is higher.

He understands and

has offered to not accept the job, but I know he will resent me if I tell him I don’t want to move again.

I am a very easy-going person in general, but I find myself getting angrier each time we discuss this move. Please help!

— Moving Again in Mississippi

DEAR MOVING AGAIN >> You are not responsible for your husband’s (possible) resentment. He is not responsible for your anger.

You should be equal partners in your marriage, regardless of your income. However, there are practical considerations for both to consider.

Do not put off your education in anticipation of a possible move and then blame him.

You should pursue your schooling.

If you don’t want to move again, then assert yourself. Treat this like a negotiation between equal parties, with both agreeing to accept the result with equanimity. You’ve modeled a great attitude during your various moves, and now it might be your husband’s turn to buck up.

DEAR AMY >> “Upset” was feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of toys and clothes her in-laws were heaping onto the grandchildren.

We went through this, too. Even with the “one toy in, one toy out” rule, it was still too much.

We then told the grands that anything they wanted to give to the kids needed to stay at their house.

It took some time, but it worked!

— Room to Breathe

DEAR ROOM >> Great solution.