Daughter-in-law is a ‘second chance’ skeptic

DEAR AMY >> For years, my motherin-law “Theresa” and I have not gotten along.

I grew up with my husband (her son) and we have been happily together for eight years.

About two years ago, right before our wedding, Theresa started to call me all sorts of horrible things, called my husband even worse things, disowned him, and tried to physically hurt me at the end of the night.

I have no desire to forget the things she has done to both of us, or to reconnect with her. That particular night was just one of several terrible things she’s done.

She has physically and emotionally hurt us. She has manipulated my husband for several years, and now that he has finally started to heal after this event, Theresa reached out to him, asking if she could visit us and try to reconnect.

My husband is willing to give her another chance, but I have no desire to.

I’ve told him that he is welcome to try, despite it upsetting me, but that I will not attempt to reconnect.

However, he wants both of us to come to the same conclusion.

Am I being cruel by refusing to give her another chance?

I’d really appreciate your advice.

- On the Fence

DEAR ON THE FENCE >> I’m of the general opinion that when someone humbly asks for a second chance, they should be offered that chance - with some conditions attached to protect the emotional safety of all involved.

You don’t mention whether your mother-inlaw has done this before. A master-manipulator will go back to the “second chance” storyline repeatedly. This is all part of the destabilizing process.

Recipients of this manipulative treatment eventually realize that while hope springs eternal, emotional wells do run dry.

The benefit of approaching this as a couple is that you and your husband can both have this experience with his mother at the same time, and while you will likely have different takes on what has transpired after the fact, you will at least have the opportunity to gauge your mother-in-law’s intent, her sincerity, and her prospects for success.

It is wise to put up some walls during this encounter, but don’t put up your dukes.

Children of disruptors face perennial challenges. Even if you choose to completely disengage, don’t prevent your husband from trying to have a relationship with his troublesome mother. If he does, he will need a gentle partner in his corner.

DEAR AMY >> I recently moved to a great community.

I thought I had made some friends here.

However, I recently began to complain to the neighborhood association about a business near my home.

Several of the friends I’ve made are on the association board.

After I began making complaints about the business, I haven’t been invited to any hangouts with the group.

I definitely don’t want to be friends with people who are so willing to drop me because of my personal opinions about this business.

I have thought about asking the two neighbors that I do talk to regularly why I haven’t been invited to hang out, but I don’t want to seem desperate, you know?

I’m genuinely curious about why they seem to have dropped me.

These friends have no problem asking me for a favor when they need something, but I feel like I have been pushed out of the “group.”

It is hard to make new friends at my age. Should I ask or just move on?

- Conflicted Cohort DEAR CONFLICTED >> Asking people “what’s up” is not desperate - it is proactive.

Neighborhood associations are meant to be community-building groups, but these associations can also become hotbeds of conflicting loyalties.

Someone within your friend group may have a long-standing connection to the business you have complained about and they are expressing their loyalty by keeping some distance from you.

Say, “I believe I have legitimate concerns about this business, and I hope my concerns wouldn’t interfere with our friendship. If that’s a problem, I’d really like to discuss it.”

DEAR AMY >> “Ready to Split” was worried about when to tell her adult children she was ready to move on. She was worried about their resentment.

She may be surprised. I, too, waited to tell my children until they were adults.

Their response was “why did it take you so long? We are tired of hearing you two bicker.” I have since met a wonderful man, and now wonder why I waited so long.

- Finally Happy

DEAR HAPPY >> Your divorce liberated everyone.