Reconnected romance demands disconnection

DEAR AMY >> I’ve been dating an old high school romance for six years.

We reconnected after his wife left him for another man and he had started dating other women, including me.

I was his confidante for many months, and our friendship turned to commitment.

He has insisted on keeping all of his exes as “friends,” despite their aversion for me as the competition.

One ex cuts his hair, his ex-wife borrows money and watches his dog, and yet another is his insurance agent.

While I don’t suspect there is a physical relationship at this moment, I find it disrespectful that he has not ended casual communication with them.

I’ve both asked and demanded that they disconnect, as I find it deeply disrespectful from all of them.

They text him even during our vacations, and he has now pulled in the insurance agent to provide group insurance for his new employer.

He is intensely jealous of my other prior relationships, and I have never brought them into our lives, or given him reason to distrust me.

I’ve drawn the line multiple times and yet it is an ongoing issue that upsets me deeply.

Is it too much to ask for him to disconnect out of respect for my feelings and the future of the relationship?

- Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN >> You describe your guy’s “intense jealousy” over your previous relationships, and you are also intensely jealous over his. This presents red flags regarding the health of your relationship.

In a healthy relationship, both parties take the others’ comfort into account. Demands don’t need to be issued - or ignored.

It’s possible that because your guy’s ex-wife dumped him, he is determined never to be quite so exclusive - or vulnerable - again.

You two obviously have a different conception of what it means to be “committed” to one another. If this tension is a continuing source of pain and discord for you, you should reconsider your commitment.

DEAR AMY >> I have known “Stacy” since junior high school; we are now in our early 60s.

Whenever Stacy and I would meet up at a restaurant, I would always volunteer to drive to her city to make it easier for her, because she and her husband share a car (and he needs it to get to work). I have been doing this for 14 years.

I was laid off from my job, and since my car is old, in February 2020, I told Stacy that I was “babying my car to make it last longer.”

In early March 2020, I suggested we meet for breakfast in my town (about 18 miles from her). She responded with “Well, we are babying our car, so .... ”

She not only refused to reciprocate the driving duties, but she mimicked what I had said to her the previous month! I was stunned and highly offended. We have had no contact since then.

Sadly, I can’t get past this incident. We have friends in the same circle, and I dread the day she asks me to pick her up to attend a mutual social engagement, which is something I will no longer do.

What do I say if she suggests breakfast (near her, of course) or asks for a ride to our friend’s house?

- Appalled

DEAR APPALLED >> Given the tension between you two - and the fact that you old friends have not had any contact throughout the entire pandemic period - it seems unlikely that “Stacy” will call upon you to provide transportation. If she does contact you, you could bring up the somewhat mocking response that has bothered you so much.

One advantage of having a friendship on (or over) the line is that you can express yourself, respectfully, without fear that you will damage the relationship further.

Life is short. Your friendship is very long. I hope that you will eventually be able to clear the air.

DEAR AMY >> Your answer to the “Tennis Bums” was wrong.

It would be perfectly appropriate to politely ask the soccer player to find another place to practice. His practice against the tennis fence would be very distracting.

I am sure he didn’t realize it - and would be happy to practice elsewhere.

The fact that he is Hispanic, and that soccer is such a popular sport should have nothing to do with it.

- A Tennis Player

DEAR PLAYER >> No one liked my answer to the “Tennis Bums.” I did suggest they speak to the soccer player, but I also emphasized that this was a public park where a Wimbledon-like atmosphere was not in the cards.

DEAR AMY >> My husband

and I have two granddaughters whom we cherish.

I am growing increasingly concerned with the behavior of their parents toward the youngest one.

“Camille” has always been the “drama queen.”

If she didn’t get her way, she pitched a fit and her parents acquiesced.

As she got older, they catered to most every whim and almost always deferred to her.

Camille has refused to get the COVID vaccination and her parents will not insist on it.

She is a young adult and I think her parents can and should educate her on the necessity of getting the vaccination and demand that, as long as she is living with them and they are paying her way in life, she must comply for her safety and the safety of those around her.

Our other granddaughter is given “a back seat” to her sister.

Any suggestions as to what, if anything, can or should be done? - Concerned Granny Dear Granny >> The best part of being a grandparent is also occasionally the most frustrating part— Yippee! You don’t have to deal with the daily stuff and nonsense of everyday parenting.

You have every right to share your own valuable perspective on parenting with your own children, but you can’t make them follow your own commonsense advice.

Now that these two grandchildren are older, it is appropriate for you to treat them individually, to forge more adultlike relationships with them, and to react with proportional consequences regarding their behavior - without resorting to “drama.”

So, if “Camille” refuses to be vaccinated, you can explain to her why this is necessary and how her vaccination status could have a direct impact on you.

If she continues to refuse the vaccine, you likely are not going to want to spend time in proximity to her.

That’s the logical consequence of her choice.

If the other granddaughter is more cooperative, interested in others, vaccinated, and easier to be around, then you are going to forge a closer relationship with her. I suggest you befriend her.

DEAR AMY >> I’m writing about the woman that claims her boyfriend’s friend grabbed her behind 10 or 20 years ago and a few times since, and felt it necessary to brand this guy a sexual predator on Facebook by tagging it #MeToo.

I ran this by my wife of 35 years, and we were both curious why the woman didn’t respond each time with a loud “Quit grabbing my behind!” and, as I have taught my daughter, if needs be, poked him in the eye with her fingernails?

Embarrassing him and sending him to the optometrist would have most likely stopped any future unwanted groping.

- Just Sayin’

DEAR JUST SAYIN’ >> Not all people are able to respond to assault by countering the assault.

Your very glib response is part of the problem, in my opinion.