Friend’s husband is a bull in her china shop

DEAR AMY » My husband and I are retired. We have a good life in a city that we moved to about seven years ago.

We’ve been able to make lots of new friends. I’m so pleased by the variety of people in our friend group.

What I’m not pleased about is that one of my dearest women friends, “Meg,” has a husband, “Mike,” who seems to insert himself into all kinds of situations where I would prefer that he not be.

Mike spends more time on Facebook than Meg does, and he seems to be “friends” with everybody in our social circle, which is pretty large.

The problem is that this guy has no filters at all. He comments on absolutely everything, is often loud and inappropriate, and is sometimes vulgar.

I think he thrives on being the center of attention.

I really don’t believe there is a mean bone in his body, but there are days when just seeing his name on Facebook makes me want to shut my phone off.

Meg and I are close enough that we have talked a lot about our marriages, and we both agree that our spouses have their good and their bad points. She knows that Mike can be a nuisance.

There is at least one other woman in our social community who had similar feelings about Mike. She told Meg how she felt, and I’m pretty certain it has damaged their own long-term relationship.

Do you have any advice for me?

I just don’t know if I have the patience to put up with Mike for the long run.

- Frustrated Friend

DEAR FRUSTRATED » Based on how you describe this, it seems that your connection with “Mike” on social media is a regular trigger for you. So, turn off his microphone! If you aren’t exposed to his constant comments and obnoxious behavior on Facebook, you will be able to put Mike on a shelf until you are forced into his actual company again.

Mike is his own man. His wife “Meg” is not in charge of him, and so why did your other mutual friend report her feelings about the man to Meg, instead of responding to him directly? Don’t make the same mistake.

The unspoken rule about marriage is: “I can criticize my spouse, but if you do, I’ll be forced to defend.”

Meg knows her husband is obnoxious and vulgar. He’s the bull in her china shop.

Respond to Mike when you’re in his presence, but continue to develop your friendship with Meg in his absence.

DEAR AMY » I’d like to pass along some recommendations for people who are ill and burdened by the well-meaning but often clunky reactions from other people.

When my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV prostate cancer seven years ago, he wanted some control of normalcy in his life.

He created a number of boundaries so he could live his life as fully as possible in a normal way:

One: You can ask me about my cancer on Monday, and only Monday.

Two: At home we had rooms designated as “cancer talk-free zones.”

Three: For the wellmeaning people with so many solutions pushing herbal remedies, we said that we had found out (which we had) that the interactions of herbs, etc., could affect his medical care, so thanks, but we can’t use all ideas.

It took a while, but conversations from well-intentioned people settled back to “normal,” except on Mondays, when my husband was prepared to face dialogues.

- Maureen

DEAR MAUREEN » These recommendations are so smart!

Every person facing serious illness and extended treatment deserves a safe space where they can be who they want to be - and how they want to be.

Your husband was proactive in creating boundaries for himself, but boundaries can also be created and maintained by caregivers.

I’m sure these guidelines will be adopted by many people. Thank you so much for passing them along.

DEAR AMY » I appreciate the advice you gave to “Curious,” the woman who described her “situationship” with a man who jerked her around, and then wanted to seek counseling with her - once she had broken up with him.

Thank you for offering the kind of advice I want to be given.

She needs to get out. Love your wisdom!

- Big Fan

DEAR FAN » Oftentimes, people say they like my work when I offer advice they would also give.

You say I offer advice you’d like to receive. I appreciate the distinction, and thank you very much.

DEAR AMY » I have a

friend who is going through a really rough patch in her life; she’s facing possible divorce.

She’s in individual therapy and marriage counseling, but she’s experiencing sadness and mental anguish over her situation. She’s worried about the future.

She claims she’s not suffering from depression, but I’m wondering.

I’m trying to be supportive and understanding; I listen to her, try not to give advice, and remind her that she has friends and family who love her and will stand by her no matter what.

I try and remind her of the joys in life and encourage her to take a mental break now and then. I also offer to hang out with her, but she almost always declines.

Is there anything else I can do to support her through this dark patch in her life?

- Worried Friend

DEAR WORRIED » You sound like a really good, constant and consistent friend. Your presence in her life - even in the background - will help to give her strength.

You might ask if she wants to talk about her experience with (individual) therapy. Describing aloud some of the coaching she has received might help her to continue to make positive connections and add insight.

You have spent a lot of time listening, but you could also occasionally ask her to help you with something. Working on a project together might help her to get out of her head for a bit.

I highly recommend poet Maggie Smith’s recent book as a gift for your friend: “Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity, and Change” (2020, Atria/One Signal Publishers).

DEAR AMY » Thank you for your thoughtful response to “Afraid to Rock the Boat,” a survivor trying to recover from her childhood trauma in therapy.

I appreciated that you advised her to ask her therapist whether she should dive into her past. For many people, doing a “deep dive” like this might retraumatize her. Forward motion might be the best direction for her.

- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » This is an important “process” question to discuss.