Elderly siblings confront lack of will and trust

DEAR AMY >> My single sister will be 85 this year. I’m 78. We have always had a close relationship.

She has no last will or trust, and will leave a reasonably large estate to me, assuming that I outlive her. Her health is not good.

I have adult children I would prefer that she leave her estate to. I have not had success in convincing her to get her affairs in order. She doesn’t like to take even a suggestion of it from me, and hasn’t thus far acted on my kids’ requests to do so.

Without a will, our state’s probate is time-consuming and expensive. I fear I will be left to handle it, and don’t feel capable at this point.

I can’t understand her reluctance in this and wonder if she is acting out of spite. When the suggestion has been made, she makes the excuse of not feeling up to it and is actually somewhat hostile. It’s like she’s in denial. — Stressed-out Brother DEAR STRESSED-OUT >> Your sister is elderly and unwell. You are pushing too hard. Ultimately you must accept her choices, even if you know she is going to leave a mess behind. You could turn your focus toward the efforts you and your children will have to undertake in order to sort things out after your sister’s death.

Probate laws vary state by state, but in most cases the next of kin are the ones that stand to inherit in the event of a person’s death. While you do have an important role in this matter, you must realize that these are your sister’s affairs, not yours. You can’t force her to make a will.

Instead of needling her, try talking about what’s got her so upset. Her hold-up could be something as simple as she can’t find some of her important documents. Tell her about your concerns for her health, as well as your own. If that doesn’t help, point out that simple estate planning provides her with an opportunity to consider making charitable contributions to groups she wants to support. After that, try to relax about this and simply love and enjoy her.

The AARP has published a guide that you all might find helpful: “ABA/AARP Checklist for My Family: A Guide to My History, Financial Plans and Final Wishes,” by Sally Balch Hurme.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@tribpub. com.